Divorced

Young, healthy, uninhibited, and alive; this is how I would portray him with words. I lost myself in his deep blue eyes while I played with my hands in his golden sandy locks. He had the heat of a warm sun. Nature blessed him with a solid mountainous exposition that became the compass of my life. On his shore, I let go of my pain and anger; I buried my sadness and freed my soul. He radiated love into my life - but he was poor!

Along came a rich man; older but not too old; traditional but not stiff; disciplined and groomed. He lured me with wealth and power. I sealed the deal with a kiss on his firm forehead, and I took off. I abandoned the love of my life for a man who would provide me with security and stability. In six years of marriage, I watched myself wither; I was starved for passion yet was unable to love him. I tried to be the dutiful wife but my mind used to wander to a time when I had love and happiness. I abided by the basic minimum. I was prostituting myself.

I missed him. I needed to laugh. My soul was chained. I was miserable. There were of course happy moments but nothing compared to the mind blowing orgasmic moments I shared with the one man that I loved. Six years is a very slow death. I still feel his burden next to me smothering the living soul out of me; I would not kiss him; I could not touch him; I resented him; I hated him and I hated myself for hating him. He was patient; he just wanted me to love him.

I wanted a divorce after three months; I backed off for fear of what people would say. I also knew that my sweetheart would not take me back. I have been contemplating divorce for the past two years; fear of starting over scared me. I have had so many set-backs until I finally did it. My divorce is final. We have been emotionally divorced way before our legal divorce. like everything else with him, the divorce was civil, cold, and tasteless.

Why am I not happy? Why am I not celebrating? Isn't this what I wanted? Why am I so burnt out? I feel so exhausted. Did I do the right thing? Will I suffer? Will I starve without his security net? Change scares me, and the worst change that is scaring me is the change that took place within me. I need to get in touch with the person I once was before he came into my life.

I once had a bird who locked up in a cage. I opened the cage one day but the bird did not fly; he poked his head out of the cage and the big big world scared him. He stayed in the cage, though its door was open. I kicked him out of the cage he fell on the floor. I picked him up and threw him out of the balcony expecting him to spread his wings and fly; he fell like a rock and died - my bird forgot that he was born with wings.