Premature

My thoughts are killing me; my head has turned into a fishtank where questions relplaced the colorful fish. Why him? What do I like about him? What do I want from him and him from me? Is there an explanation for my insanity? Could there be a reason for this fatal attraction? My mind is so much against me, my heart is giving me a code red, and my body seems to have detached itself from an upcoming disaster.

Why did they call it "falling in love"? Falling is such an ominous word. Why did they not think of flying or roaming or anything that has a sense of freedom to it? Why did they link love to risk, darkness, and suffocation? Anyway, I woke up this morning with wide eyes staring at my cats lest they had answers.

I spoke to my friend about "him" and I shared my dreams and the nightmares. He said one sentence that made the most sense; "You are having a premature relationship." I have never heard that expression before and I was intrigued. My friend explained saying that "we are two people right for one another but the timing is not as right."

I myself am a premature infant; I was born about 3 months earlier than expected. I needed special nursing until my underdeveloped organs were able to function on their own.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz am I saying he is premature? am I premature? did we give birth to a premature relationship? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I cannot think .. I cannot trace the analogy between a premature infant and a premature relationship .. I have been attempting to finish this post for a couple of days now ...

Marry Me ... Please!

I opened my eyes this morning and I did not feel right; deep down I did not feel ok. I stayed in bed, stared at the ceiling, then turned to look at my cell phone, and I had to make up my mind - work today or no work today? The thought of going to work today felt like not wanting to go to school when I was 12, the only difference here was that I did not need to come up with any excuses for my parents; I am a grown up now and I am in control.

Yes, control! How I love that word! I love being in control of my house from the movies I watch to what I put in the fridge; I love being in control of my time from my work commitments to my choices for social outings; I opted to drive to and from Alex (2 hours/way) on the same day on weekly basis because I needed to be in control of the speed, the music, the AC temperature, and the empty seat next to me.

Today I woke up and I wanted to give it all up; I am fed up, tired, down, and restless. I want to get married and dump the responsibilities that I have been shouldering on someone else. I want to stay home, maybe teach and write but I do not want any of the other stuff. I do not want to worry about bills, schedules, deadlines, and stupid people who try to fight me over how much control I have over how I get things done.

I woke up today on my feminine side; all warm loving, gentle, caring, passionate, and submissive. The masculine spirit of the fighter in me went for a walk and all what was left of me was a girl who wanted to be relieved. I proved to the whole world everything I wanted to prove and now I can just relax and move on with my life. Let men do their thing while I do mine.

So consider this an invitation ... an offer ... a request ... consider it anything - just marry me.

However, if you do not have a great career that could fulfill both of us, or if you are not handsome and well built, or if you can not keep up with my endless array of personas, or if you are not young, healthy, and happy, or if you can not comprehend my need for space, independence, and comfortable silence, or if you are not willing to work on common interests to keep us together, or if you freak out easily by my horrible openness, inner darkness, and quest for light, or if you do not love cats, curly hair, and pasta, or if ....

I am not so sure now that I want to get married ... I know that you will be like the others ... I know that I will never change ... I know that I cannot handover the helm ... I know that this is just hopeless ... No! I am hopeless ... will keep running.

His Interpretation of Me

هى أجمل من رأت عينا ترى بشغف وتفتن بم ترى
تلك المشغولة بأن تصوغ حولها أكثر ما استطاعت من قيود
ثم مشغولة بأن تحطم أكثر ما استطاعت منها

هى حزمة من أعصاب تسمّى امرأة
استغرقتها الأنوثة فليس فيها إلا أنوثة
ولعلها أنثى ونصف أنثى

ليست غواية الجسم عندها كجوع حيوان يشبعه العلف
ولكنها كرعدة الحمى وصرعة الفرس الجموح
يتبعها النشاط والمرح كما يتبعها الإعياء والبكاء

لها فراسة نفاذة فى كل ما بين الجنسين من علاقة
تفطن لما فى نفس المرأة لأنها امرأة
وتفطن لما فى نفس الرجل لأنها امرأة



عباس محمود العقاد

A Reason ... A Season ... A Lifetime!

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. Then, without any wrong-doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season! LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life."

I read that a long time ago and it had plagued my life ever since; I have been asking myself "why?" with every entrance and every exist, in or out of my life. Why me? Why you? Why now? The little girl within wants it to last ... wants that person to stay ... even if the reason is no longer there. I have a loss-phobia (if such a phobia exists) and I have an inherent fear of abandonment, that's why I just can not wrap my head around a person having to, or needing to, go away. It is just indigestible by my psyche: I still ask why couldn't it last? Ok, let's assume that I accepted the people who have to go when their mission is accomplished and the reason no longer exists. But a season? For me this means time together, sharing, giving, investing, and dreaming. Yes ... I tend to dream when people stay long enough to allow me to dream - This is even more hurtful and so unbelievably unfair. but I guess I will never be able to get the "lifetime deal" before I make my peace with all the reasons and seasons.