I have this horrible habit of scanning the classroom with my eyes once I walk in. I look for bright eyes eager to learn, skeptic faces, careless bodies, or a friendly smile. He was sitting in the last row on the right next to a friend who sat next to him throughout the semester. I wondered why he grew his hair so long and why he was wearing such a tight shirt. I smiled at myself as I thought that he had the right hair and the right body to do whatever he wanted. He was the shy type; his smile gave it away.
After introducing myself and after briefing my new students about the semester and the points we will cover, I caught him telling his friend that I was hot. My eyes met theirs' and they both blushed. I smiled. After class they came to apologize. I told them that they were forgiven and smiled at them. I know how hard it could be to be my student. You never know where you stand; I am strict yet friendly, professional yet accessible, maternal yet too young to be their mother ... me and my mind games ... I know.
The semester was three months ... we got closer ... he trusted me ... he told me about his dreams of becoming a musician ... he wondered why he needed marketing ... he wanted to have an agency as a side business ... I believed him ... I expected to see his name among the who's who of Egypt in a decade or so. He sent me his lyrics for proofing ... he still did not know how to deal with me ... am I his instructor or his friend?
In class, I get high on the image of the life-giver - the image of me breathing a part of myself into those students ... I give them - literally - a part of my time, a part of my mind, and a part of my soul. In a twisted way, I feel that they are my extension and that I have a hand in the creation of their future ... I know ... I know ... creepy! Usually, people are very competitive and most of us want to be the best at what we do. The only people that are allowed and blessed to be better than me are my students.
He has Leukemia ... his hair fell off ... he lost the bulk of his muscles ... he still has a lot of unfulfilled dreams ... no one from his family is a match ... he is fading away ... and he is taking that part of me with him. A part of my soul will die ... I have his lyrics ... he is so talented ... dear God .. please do not make him a past tense.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Blogging Inside Out
I can't sleep ... I have not slept well since Monday, 29 December 2008. Why? Because I had a show on Nile FM 104.2 and Erin Fleming asked me about my resolutions for 2009 and I proudly stated that I am planning to get married in 2009. The SMS board and my facebook wall were all congratulations and questions about who the lucky guy was and again with that same determined tone of mine I said that there was no guy but I was going to "attract" one. I was neither faking nor bluffing ... I know that I want to settle down and I want to have kids - yes yes .. I finally said it ... I want to have kids.
I said the same resolution on two other shows and I was still full of that new year new life new beginning spirit. I decided that to attract the right man and I have been working on it for a year now. The anger was gone once I published my book, the rebellion resided once I moved into my new house, the insecurities faded away with the rise of my media career, and positivity filled me inside out. For the first time in my life I am ready to give and to receive love.
So what went wrong?
Victim one: I do not want to pass his genes to my kids ... he was perfect but something about his genetic code put me off. I know how horrible that sounds ... I look like this tiny little girl but I have the senses of a female predator ... my basic instincts are scary ... they scare me ... I scare me. The guy was the right age, mind, character, beliefs, and above all he had feelings for me ... now someone please tell me what this genetic code thing means ... I was not trying to sabotage the marriage but this female predator rejected him for a reason that my mind cannot comprehend. He reminded me of an ex.
Victim two: he sounded nice until he said that he was the jealous type. I asked him what was it about me that made him feel jealous and he replied that it was the posts people leave on my wall. Red lights flashed before my eyes ... I am just starting ... I am nowhere even close to where I want to be and there comes a guy who was jealous of facebook friends. I snoozed the alarm then he asked another stupid question ... he asked me if I was a virgin ... my reply was "that is a stupid question ... find out for yourself". Curtains down ... no way. He reminded me of someone.
Victim three: Yes in two weeks, I have three victims. He emailed me after one of my shows and I emailed him back ... after a couple of back and fourth emails we talked on the phone. From our email exchanges, I felt that he has the Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome and I decided that it was too early to tell. After our second phone call, he sent me a message that had "warm lips" in it. My eyes spotted those two words and I saw nothing else of the message. I was disgusted. If you know me well, I am anything but puritanical and those of you who know me really well, I am a flirt. So what happened? Distance. Emotional distance. I felt invaded. Here is a stranger talking about my lips using a cheap cliché Here is a man who knows nothing about signs and patience. I assure you that I was not flirty and I did not entrap him. He just used an overused pickup line. I could not get myself to reply to his message or any other message that I received from him afterwards. He reminded me of a friend.
Now I feel pressure. I am an achiever. I know how to set goals and I know how to meet my deadlines. I never doubted myself or my capabilities. I am trying to push the image of failure out of my head.
My head .. this is where the real problem lies. In my head I cannot see myself married. I cannot see a man permanently in my life. Many years ago I was seeing this man and it was serious. After a month I began having nightmares. At times, I used to see myself chopping him into little pieces, at other times I would throw his clothes off the balcony one piece at a time and watch it fly in the air, and the worst one was when I killed him and left him to dry out and rot in the sun.
I sought relief in homeopathy. The practitioner told me that I have a commitment phobia and some other phobia of restraints. I do not want to be tied down. I cannot follow. I will not obey. Most of my dreams were related to incidents where he said "No" ... No! Do not go out! No! Do not wear that. No! I do not want you to be friends with this or that person. No! I do not agree to this or accept that.
For fear for his life and my sanity, we broke up and I never allowed anyone to come that close ever again. In my head I am the boss of me. I have been on my own for the past 8 years. I literally report to no one. I am fully accountable for all my choices and decisions. I have never involved anyone in my life. I flew high and lost touch with solid ground.
Sandmonkey tells me that I have realized all the goals on my checklist and that this is my only failure. Ironic, huh? This one failure has contributed more that anything else to my career:) - that was a smirk.
So yes I cannot sleep ...
I said the same resolution on two other shows and I was still full of that new year new life new beginning spirit. I decided that to attract the right man and I have been working on it for a year now. The anger was gone once I published my book, the rebellion resided once I moved into my new house, the insecurities faded away with the rise of my media career, and positivity filled me inside out. For the first time in my life I am ready to give and to receive love.
So what went wrong?
Victim one: I do not want to pass his genes to my kids ... he was perfect but something about his genetic code put me off. I know how horrible that sounds ... I look like this tiny little girl but I have the senses of a female predator ... my basic instincts are scary ... they scare me ... I scare me. The guy was the right age, mind, character, beliefs, and above all he had feelings for me ... now someone please tell me what this genetic code thing means ... I was not trying to sabotage the marriage but this female predator rejected him for a reason that my mind cannot comprehend. He reminded me of an ex.
Victim two: he sounded nice until he said that he was the jealous type. I asked him what was it about me that made him feel jealous and he replied that it was the posts people leave on my wall. Red lights flashed before my eyes ... I am just starting ... I am nowhere even close to where I want to be and there comes a guy who was jealous of facebook friends. I snoozed the alarm then he asked another stupid question ... he asked me if I was a virgin ... my reply was "that is a stupid question ... find out for yourself". Curtains down ... no way. He reminded me of someone.
Victim three: Yes in two weeks, I have three victims. He emailed me after one of my shows and I emailed him back ... after a couple of back and fourth emails we talked on the phone. From our email exchanges, I felt that he has the Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome and I decided that it was too early to tell. After our second phone call, he sent me a message that had "warm lips" in it. My eyes spotted those two words and I saw nothing else of the message. I was disgusted. If you know me well, I am anything but puritanical and those of you who know me really well, I am a flirt. So what happened? Distance. Emotional distance. I felt invaded. Here is a stranger talking about my lips using a cheap cliché Here is a man who knows nothing about signs and patience. I assure you that I was not flirty and I did not entrap him. He just used an overused pickup line. I could not get myself to reply to his message or any other message that I received from him afterwards. He reminded me of a friend.
Now I feel pressure. I am an achiever. I know how to set goals and I know how to meet my deadlines. I never doubted myself or my capabilities. I am trying to push the image of failure out of my head.
My head .. this is where the real problem lies. In my head I cannot see myself married. I cannot see a man permanently in my life. Many years ago I was seeing this man and it was serious. After a month I began having nightmares. At times, I used to see myself chopping him into little pieces, at other times I would throw his clothes off the balcony one piece at a time and watch it fly in the air, and the worst one was when I killed him and left him to dry out and rot in the sun.
I sought relief in homeopathy. The practitioner told me that I have a commitment phobia and some other phobia of restraints. I do not want to be tied down. I cannot follow. I will not obey. Most of my dreams were related to incidents where he said "No" ... No! Do not go out! No! Do not wear that. No! I do not want you to be friends with this or that person. No! I do not agree to this or accept that.
For fear for his life and my sanity, we broke up and I never allowed anyone to come that close ever again. In my head I am the boss of me. I have been on my own for the past 8 years. I literally report to no one. I am fully accountable for all my choices and decisions. I have never involved anyone in my life. I flew high and lost touch with solid ground.
Sandmonkey tells me that I have realized all the goals on my checklist and that this is my only failure. Ironic, huh? This one failure has contributed more that anything else to my career:) - that was a smirk.
So yes I cannot sleep ...
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Listen to Bin Laden
(CNN) -- Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden has apparently released a new audio message calling for a jihad, or holy war, against Israel for its Gaza campaign.
Sweet!
Whether I agree with Bin Laden or not I have to admit that I respect the guy ... his business sense is sharp - Sharper than guru Sawiris for that matter. His timing is impeccable. He has his way when it comes to reviving the hope of victory in the hearts of those who almost gave up.
I still remember how people in my office cheered back in 2001 (9/11) - I cheered too
It is not about Americans
It is not about Israelis
It is not about Mubarak
It is about that need inside everyone of us to break free .... to rebel ... to go wild ...
Ecstatic!
Sweet!
Whether I agree with Bin Laden or not I have to admit that I respect the guy ... his business sense is sharp - Sharper than guru Sawiris for that matter. His timing is impeccable. He has his way when it comes to reviving the hope of victory in the hearts of those who almost gave up.
I still remember how people in my office cheered back in 2001 (9/11) - I cheered too
It is not about Americans
It is not about Israelis
It is not about Mubarak
It is about that need inside everyone of us to break free .... to rebel ... to go wild ...
Ecstatic!
Monday, January 12, 2009
سمعت و ياريتنى ما سمعت
سمعت و يا ريتنى ما سمعت
و عرفت و يا ريتنى ما عرفت
و قرفانة آخر قرف ... و مش لاقية حد اكلمه
انا هفضفض معاكم و هـ اشاهدكم على بعضكم
عرفت زى ما الناس بتعرف ان انا متهمة بالكسكسة .. يعنى من الآخر قلت يالا نفسى و تحيا مصر و من ساعتها و ووشى منور الفضائيات و القناوات المصرية بعد ما كان مغضوب عليا ... انا مهما وصفت احساسى لما سمعت الكلام ده مش هـ اعرف اعبر ... بس الشعور بالقرف و غممان النفس كان الاحساس الطاغى
ليه اتقال عليا كده؟
علشان فى تدوينة "حول القناة" بتاعة نرمين ادريس و ردا على سؤالها عن بنفتخر بايه فى مصر قلت بافتخر بالرئيس مبارك علشان حكم عقله و فضل مصلحة البلد على صورته و بريستيجه فى العالم العربى و ده نص كلامى
و عرفت و يا ريتنى ما عرفت
و قرفانة آخر قرف ... و مش لاقية حد اكلمه
انا هفضفض معاكم و هـ اشاهدكم على بعضكم
عرفت زى ما الناس بتعرف ان انا متهمة بالكسكسة .. يعنى من الآخر قلت يالا نفسى و تحيا مصر و من ساعتها و ووشى منور الفضائيات و القناوات المصرية بعد ما كان مغضوب عليا ... انا مهما وصفت احساسى لما سمعت الكلام ده مش هـ اعرف اعبر ... بس الشعور بالقرف و غممان النفس كان الاحساس الطاغى
ليه اتقال عليا كده؟
علشان فى تدوينة "حول القناة" بتاعة نرمين ادريس و ردا على سؤالها عن بنفتخر بايه فى مصر قلت بافتخر بالرئيس مبارك علشان حكم عقله و فضل مصلحة البلد على صورته و بريستيجه فى العالم العربى و ده نص كلامى
I am proud of our president for not giving in to ignorant pressure … I admire his courage in facing all the rage and blows aimed at him by emotional masses of Egyptians and Arabs … I am happy he did not open the Rafa7 crossings … I am happy he said that he would only allow the wounded … I am glad that he is not dragging us into a war that is not ours … I am glad that he could see through the hidden agendas of Hamas, Fatah, and Israel … These three parties are the ones who are using civilians as live targets in their own dirty wars .. Yes .. I am proud of Hosny Mubarak.
و بعدين فى تدوينة تانية لاميرة طاهر عن الفساد و ليسته الفاسدين دافعت عن عائلة عرفة و قلت
انا ماعرفشى كل الاسامى اللى فى النوت لكن المعلومات غير دقيقة ... احمد عرفة بتاع كونكريت .. السطر ده متفبرك كله .. انا كنت مخطوبة لابنهم الله يرحمه و عارفة العيلة دى كويس ... الاسامى حتى غلط و الناس دول اصل تجارتهم فى الموسكى و بعدين ولاد السيد عرفة توسعوا ... عمرو و احمد مش ليهم اصلا فى الليلة دى و اخوهم اسامة هو اللى بيدير البيزنيس ... الله اعلم ايه تانى غلط
الصح اننا مظلومين و منهوبين بس فى رجال اعمال شرفاء و مش معنى انه غنى انه حرامى
فين رامى لكح؟
و بعدين لما ايدت شريفة التابعى ان احنا شعب اتقن الندب و لطم الخدود و ده كلام شريفة اللى انا وافقتها عليه
We are first class complainers since the 1920s onwards. We are eternally against our government/s be it royal or republican. This makes me pause: is it really just the government or are we in great part responsible for our own predicaments? corruption is not governmental level only but deeply seated in the roots of our daily lives and daily intearction.
The butcher who sells bad meat or donkey meat, the parmachist who cheats on a medication or raises its price, the guy at the Fuel station who cheats on the liters or change of money and so on. The change has to be from the people themselves. To care more , to be more responsible.
You can't increase the economy of a country, if its people are not willing to work on the production! what is our percentage of actual daily production? I am talking of PEOPLE not government.
And to tell you the truth, I know the majority are against Nazif but has ever one recalled any of his achivements and accomplishments particularly in the field of IT (after being PM not just Minister of IT). None. We never recall any positive points no matter how big and we never stop complaining about any passive or negative point no matter how minimal. We also never offer VIABLE solutions. Solid, practical and possible to implement solutions not just the usual standard big words.
و من هنا تمت ادانتى و الدليل ايه؟ اهو ... حلقة فى الفضائية و راحة جاية على نايل لايف و دريم و البيوت اسرار و ما خفى كان اعظم
و ايه حلقة الوصل بينهم؟ لما اتكلمت عدل عن الحكومة رضوا عنى و فكوا اسرى
طبعا الناس السودا الكئيبة مش ممكن يخطر فى بالهم ان انا زى ما انتقلت من السياحة الى التدريب و التدريس و الكتابة ممكن اكون باعمل نقلة تانية تجاه الاعلام .. و مش ممكن يفكروا ان انا زى اى واحد عارف هو عايز ايه بقالى شهرين مبطلة شغل التدريب و مركزة فى الفيسبوك و الجروبس بتاعتى و السايت بتاعى و انى دورت على حلقاتى القديمة و نزلتها على السايت بتاعى .. من الآخر استخدمت تكنيك التذكير و نعنشة الذاكرة بتاع التسويق
Reminder campaings
و انى مثلا وسعت دائرة معارفى من المعدين و رميت فى طريقهم افكار لحلقات مختلفة او جديدة .... اللى هو فى التسويق اسمه
pitching ... I pitched myself
ولا انى اعدت ترتيب الصفحة الرئيسية على السايت بتاعى علشان اعيد اكتشاف مقالاتى القديمة و الفت النظر لمقالاتى الجديدة و ركزت على المزايا التسويقية بتاعتى كشخص و كاعلامية
لكن صحيح ازاى ما هما دول نفس الناس اللى مش مؤمنة بالعمل و النجاح و المثابرة و هما دول نفس الناس اللى تهبط عزيمة بلد و هما نفسهم اللى مؤمنين ان كل واحد ناجح يبقى محظوظ و لا واسطة ولا كوسة و لا مولود بمعلقة دهب فى بقه ... هما نفس الناس اللى بتعمل اسقاط لفشلها الشخصى على كل حاجة عدلة
بما ان السيرة دى اتفتحت انا بالمرة هـرد على التعليقات على نوت شريفة التابعى
an adult
ده المفروض انسان ناضج واعى مسؤول ايه بقى اللى خيبه و طفاه و خلاه بيستسهل يعلق كل بلاويه على شماعة الحكومة. مستنى اللى يأكله و يشريه و يلبسه و يجوزه زى العاجز اللى لا حول له و لا قوة ... شباب شايخ و متحلل و ريحته فايحة .. حاجة تسد النفس ... لا طموح و امل و لا دماغ
فين يا بنى آدم احساسك بالمسؤوليه؟ فين ارادك؟ فين كفاحك؟ فين محاولاتك لتطوير نفسك و تحسين دخلك و عيشتك؟
شماعة المدارس و التعليم و الفقر و الحكومة ... عيب!!! بجد عيب .... احلام مؤجلة و حياة فى حالة انتظار .... و يوم ورا يوم بيعدى و انت تحولت الى بخاخة نكد و سلبيه و كآبة ... أوووف
اللى عايز يحارب و ينصر اخوانه فى غزة مايروح .. مين ماسكه .. يروح يلم اصحابه و يطلع على الحدود و يفتح فتحة فى السلك بالقصافة و يسلم نفسه .... و فى حد عملها فعلا ... مش دول نفس الناس اللى بتتهرب من التجنيد و لابسة طرح؟
الله يمسيها بالخير نانسى عجرم قالت ايه .... شاطر شاطر ... اللى بيعمل حاجة كويسة شو بنقول له؟ شاطر شاطر .... فى قرف فى البلد و فقر و ناس مطحونة لكن فى محاولات للتطوير و للتنظيم .. فى سرقة لكن فى انجازات ... فى فساد و خراب لكن فى ناس بتحاول تغير و انت يا بنى آدم يا مهزوم يا كسول يا متواكل كل اللى انت بتعمله انك قاعد تعدد و تولول و تتـ ... و لا بلاش
و بعدين فى تدوينة تانية لاميرة طاهر عن الفساد و ليسته الفاسدين دافعت عن عائلة عرفة و قلت
انا ماعرفشى كل الاسامى اللى فى النوت لكن المعلومات غير دقيقة ... احمد عرفة بتاع كونكريت .. السطر ده متفبرك كله .. انا كنت مخطوبة لابنهم الله يرحمه و عارفة العيلة دى كويس ... الاسامى حتى غلط و الناس دول اصل تجارتهم فى الموسكى و بعدين ولاد السيد عرفة توسعوا ... عمرو و احمد مش ليهم اصلا فى الليلة دى و اخوهم اسامة هو اللى بيدير البيزنيس ... الله اعلم ايه تانى غلط
الصح اننا مظلومين و منهوبين بس فى رجال اعمال شرفاء و مش معنى انه غنى انه حرامى
فين رامى لكح؟
و بعدين لما ايدت شريفة التابعى ان احنا شعب اتقن الندب و لطم الخدود و ده كلام شريفة اللى انا وافقتها عليه
We are first class complainers since the 1920s onwards. We are eternally against our government/s be it royal or republican. This makes me pause: is it really just the government or are we in great part responsible for our own predicaments? corruption is not governmental level only but deeply seated in the roots of our daily lives and daily intearction.
The butcher who sells bad meat or donkey meat, the parmachist who cheats on a medication or raises its price, the guy at the Fuel station who cheats on the liters or change of money and so on. The change has to be from the people themselves. To care more , to be more responsible.
You can't increase the economy of a country, if its people are not willing to work on the production! what is our percentage of actual daily production? I am talking of PEOPLE not government.
And to tell you the truth, I know the majority are against Nazif but has ever one recalled any of his achivements and accomplishments particularly in the field of IT (after being PM not just Minister of IT). None. We never recall any positive points no matter how big and we never stop complaining about any passive or negative point no matter how minimal. We also never offer VIABLE solutions. Solid, practical and possible to implement solutions not just the usual standard big words.
و من هنا تمت ادانتى و الدليل ايه؟ اهو ... حلقة فى الفضائية و راحة جاية على نايل لايف و دريم و البيوت اسرار و ما خفى كان اعظم
و ايه حلقة الوصل بينهم؟ لما اتكلمت عدل عن الحكومة رضوا عنى و فكوا اسرى
طبعا الناس السودا الكئيبة مش ممكن يخطر فى بالهم ان انا زى ما انتقلت من السياحة الى التدريب و التدريس و الكتابة ممكن اكون باعمل نقلة تانية تجاه الاعلام .. و مش ممكن يفكروا ان انا زى اى واحد عارف هو عايز ايه بقالى شهرين مبطلة شغل التدريب و مركزة فى الفيسبوك و الجروبس بتاعتى و السايت بتاعى و انى دورت على حلقاتى القديمة و نزلتها على السايت بتاعى .. من الآخر استخدمت تكنيك التذكير و نعنشة الذاكرة بتاع التسويق
Reminder campaings
و انى مثلا وسعت دائرة معارفى من المعدين و رميت فى طريقهم افكار لحلقات مختلفة او جديدة .... اللى هو فى التسويق اسمه
pitching ... I pitched myself
ولا انى اعدت ترتيب الصفحة الرئيسية على السايت بتاعى علشان اعيد اكتشاف مقالاتى القديمة و الفت النظر لمقالاتى الجديدة و ركزت على المزايا التسويقية بتاعتى كشخص و كاعلامية
لكن صحيح ازاى ما هما دول نفس الناس اللى مش مؤمنة بالعمل و النجاح و المثابرة و هما دول نفس الناس اللى تهبط عزيمة بلد و هما نفسهم اللى مؤمنين ان كل واحد ناجح يبقى محظوظ و لا واسطة ولا كوسة و لا مولود بمعلقة دهب فى بقه ... هما نفس الناس اللى بتعمل اسقاط لفشلها الشخصى على كل حاجة عدلة
بما ان السيرة دى اتفتحت انا بالمرة هـرد على التعليقات على نوت شريفة التابعى
an adult
ده المفروض انسان ناضج واعى مسؤول ايه بقى اللى خيبه و طفاه و خلاه بيستسهل يعلق كل بلاويه على شماعة الحكومة. مستنى اللى يأكله و يشريه و يلبسه و يجوزه زى العاجز اللى لا حول له و لا قوة ... شباب شايخ و متحلل و ريحته فايحة .. حاجة تسد النفس ... لا طموح و امل و لا دماغ
فين يا بنى آدم احساسك بالمسؤوليه؟ فين ارادك؟ فين كفاحك؟ فين محاولاتك لتطوير نفسك و تحسين دخلك و عيشتك؟
شماعة المدارس و التعليم و الفقر و الحكومة ... عيب!!! بجد عيب .... احلام مؤجلة و حياة فى حالة انتظار .... و يوم ورا يوم بيعدى و انت تحولت الى بخاخة نكد و سلبيه و كآبة ... أوووف
اللى عايز يحارب و ينصر اخوانه فى غزة مايروح .. مين ماسكه .. يروح يلم اصحابه و يطلع على الحدود و يفتح فتحة فى السلك بالقصافة و يسلم نفسه .... و فى حد عملها فعلا ... مش دول نفس الناس اللى بتتهرب من التجنيد و لابسة طرح؟
الله يمسيها بالخير نانسى عجرم قالت ايه .... شاطر شاطر ... اللى بيعمل حاجة كويسة شو بنقول له؟ شاطر شاطر .... فى قرف فى البلد و فقر و ناس مطحونة لكن فى محاولات للتطوير و للتنظيم .. فى سرقة لكن فى انجازات ... فى فساد و خراب لكن فى ناس بتحاول تغير و انت يا بنى آدم يا مهزوم يا كسول يا متواكل كل اللى انت بتعمله انك قاعد تعدد و تولول و تتـ ... و لا بلاش
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