Look ... but don't you dare touch!

“Let me give you a little inside information about our society; our society likes to watch. It’s a prankster. Think about it. It plays on mans’ instincts. It gives you extraordinary gifts, and then what does it do? I swear for its own amusement, society sets the rules in opposition. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is it doing? It’s laughing its sick head off! It’s a sadist society!” – That was me, Marwa Rakha, playing John Milton in Devil’s Advocate!

What is it this time that offset my safety valve? Was it a guy who started the lame nauseating right and wrong argument with me? Was it a girl who hid her actions in a cloak of virtue and self-righteousness? Was it a married couple who preach what they never practiced when they were single? Regardless of what irritated my hyper allergic brains, the fact remains that we are a shame society nurturing a guilt culture.

“Shame” – what a word! It has the power to clog your mouth and seal your lips just by pronouncing it. Have you ever noticed how such a tiny word can lock your mind, inhibit your feelings, and imprison you in a world of rules that are not supposed to be broken just because it is a “shame”? We were born free and uninhibited, and then we were given “the rules of shame and its derivatives”; cover your body, hide your feelings, withhold from expressing your opinion, and filter your words before you get yourself in trouble, were all tips to treasure from childhood onwards.

Dr. Thomas J. Scheff, author of Shame and the Social Bond: A Sociological Theory names shame as the premier social emotion. “The thing that moves us to pride or shame is not the mere mechanical reflection of ourselves, but an imputed sentiment, the imagined effect of this reflection upon another's mind. We are ashamed to seem evasive in the presence of a straightforward man or cowardly in the presence of a brave one. A man will boast to one person of an action—say some sharp transaction in trade—which he would be ashamed to own to another.”

Likewise, in the presence of her family, Maha would curl her lips and condemn girls who “shamelessly” hold hands with their boyfriends. In the company of his friends, Ahmed would brag of dumping a girl for “shamefully” offering herself to him. On a shopping spree with her mom, Ola would show her resentment towards a couple kissing inside the elevator. They all want to belong; they all want to be accepted. This is why we lie, fear judgment, and wear masks and faces to hide our own. The question is: who do we see when we look in the mirror?

She woke me up crying in the middle of the night. I asked her what happened and she said that she was so ashamed. “I want to die” screamed R. “I kissed him. I let him touch me. I kissed him back. I wanted him.” I was silent. I knew that my “guilt-shame” argument will not be understood. I tried to be as unbiased as possible. That night I could not sleep; a questionnaire was formulating in my head, and the morning after I was café-hopping picking people’s brains. My “research sample” included single men and women of different ages, families who were having lunch, and couples. The findings of my quick survey revealed that we are sucked in a black hole of contradictions where human termites are eating away our uninhibited essence and our basic human rights are vacuumed by the hands of society and its code of ethics.

The sad truth was that so many responses sounded identical; I asked them on a scale of shame from one to five, one being the least shameful and five being the most shameful to rate the following physical actions between a girl and a guy who were not married. Kisses scored the lowest and full intercourse scored the highest. Touching with clothes on was more acceptable than making out naked. External sex is less grave than penetration. Why? Because what the eyes do not see the mind does not judge and what you don’t know will not hurt you – Hail thee ostrich land I said in the back of my head.

I asked four families who have no relation whatsoever if they would let their daughter date. They unanimously said no; but, one mother said that if her daughter was seeing someone, she did not want to know about it. One of the fathers said, with a stern knowing face “She is not a boy.” Another mother said she knows that her daughter has a boyfriend but “thinking that I do not know, will make her feel guilty. When she feels guilty she will not make mistakes.”

Couples and singles were asked to explain their boundaries; what will they do and what will they not do? Nahla & Amr said that they would do whatever pleased them because they were in love. Their families did not know and if they broke up no one would know. Samar and her boyfriend said they moved in together but told the doorman that they were married. Rehab said that she always kept him wanting her but she denied him anything that went beyond holding hands. Her significant other had a smile on his face and as he told me that this was why he trusted her. He knew for sure that he would be her first and last. Mona does not let her boyfriend touch her at all but she “has a few guys stashed for “touchy-feely” purposes.”

Omar will never take a girl’s virginity, even if she asked for it. Tamer promises that the girl will walk out of his house just as she walked in; “if she walks in a virgin, she walks out one, and if she walks in not a virgin, she never walks out pregnant”. Hisham told me that there were wives and there were whores; a whore would never be marriage material. I had to ask him to define a whore; he said he was referring to loose girls who wore bikinis on the pool. “If I am with her, she would let me rub oil on her body and touch her allover. How could I get married to one of those?” Khaled said that he would never get married to a girl who was known to have lost her virginity. I naturally assumed that he wanted to get married to a virgin until he said “but if it is a secret and no one knew, I can forgive her and marry her.” I was perplexed; “I would be ashamed if everyone knew that I was married to a girl who had experience; but deep down, I do not care less.”

Mayar caught my attention with her long blond hair, made up face, and perfect figure that showed clearly through her tight fitting low waist jeans and body hugging shirt. She was sitting alone when I approached her, introduced myself, and asked her permission to join her. I did not need to ask many questions; she did all the talking on her own. “I am 27 and, as you can see, I am very pretty. I date a lot and my rules change depending on the person I am going out with; if he is “efl” – narrow-minded – I will dress up less provocatively and will just let him pick up the checks. If he is one of those fake modern guys who wear cargo pants to hide their “galabeyas”, I beat him at his game too by showing everything that he cannot touch. I am never myself with Egyptian men; I feel that I am always seen through a microscope and my slightest expression of my feelings will be used against me. When I am with a foreigner, I am more expressive. I am not a slut as people call me.”

Surprisingly enough, none of the people I talked to said that they did something or withheld from doing another because they wanted to; it was never their innate choice, it was always a reaction to “people” - those who make up the double-faced fabric of society. Those "people", along with ghosts, demons, and spirits, are in the same category in my head - they are there but we have our separate lives and our paths don't cross. I don't fetch them and they don't come after me - end of story. “Our intense hatred, resentment, and envy towards anything or anyone, are all products of unacknowledged shame. We fall in the feeling traps of shame/anger. Acknowledged shame is the glue that holds relationships and societies together; it is the cause or the result of social solidarity and alienation.” concluded Dr. Scheff in his study.

Back to Basics - Thither thou shalt findeth thine answers

In his comment on my Shallow Me post, Tamer G said...

There is nothing shallow about what you wrote at all, and people who say that they don't care about looks are either liars trying to seem mentally deep , or simply very theoretical in their opinions.

Now my question is: Why do we get attracted to the wrong persons ? Is it the challenge of dealing with a difficult personality ? Why do we overlook persons who want us and go for the not so easy relations ? Iis this common, or is it just me ?

Hello Tamer G:)

The answer to your question is in a science class when we were in 4th grade. The chapter about magnetisim and electricity:)

The book said that "Electricity and magnetism are related effects that have many useful applications in everyday life."

In a relationship context,

1) Wires (words), batteries (time & efforts), and bulbs (a spark) are used to design and build simple series and parallel circuits.

2) A simple compass (your heart) is used to detect magnetic effects, including Earth's magnetic field.

3) Electric currents (physical attraction) produce magnetic fields.

4)Electrically charged objects (human beings) attract or repel each other.

5) Magnets have two poles, labeled north and south, and like poles repel each other while unlike poles attract each other. - Very Clear!

6) Electrical energy can be converted to heat, light and motion. - I hope I do not have to translate that:)

What Women Want? - I will hold my Peace!

Deconstructing the Woman's Pie Chart is a link I came across by chance and I had ot share it.

For the original story click HERE, otherwise, read below:

We have made new advances in the inner structure of the woman's rating system and now present it here.

The old woman's rating system claimed:

10% things women say they care about but they don't

40% looks

50% money

The New Rating System classified attraction and added power to money

Through extensive research we have been able to discern the inner structure of attraction. So what makes a man attractive in the eyes of a woman?

50% Physical Attraction

20% Competition

20% Novelty

10% Other

Physical Attraction/Looks - This is still a big factor in attraction. This is self-explanatory.

Competition - I almost titled this section disinterest. The two are closely related. We can only pursue what runs away from us. A man who is devoted to something else besides the woman is autmatically more attractive.

Ultimately, almost all guys learn this truth for themselves: The best way to never score with a woman is to show too much interest in her. Women seem to especially like it if you are more devoted to your bad music, biker gang, forearm tattoo or marijuana. These all seem to work wonders.

There are some interests you can show in a woman that will help you to fuck her: a healthy interest in destroying her self-esteem and in fucking her friends more than her seem to work wonders.

Novelty - Let's face it, if you're like every other guy who works a normal job and tries to live a good life, you're probably like just about every other guy. Chicks don't dig this, and why would they? Who wants someone who is just like everyone else? Something different is more attractive. Like someone who does not have to work during the day like most people because they have lots of money from business or selling drugs.

Deconstructing money/power "Power is a great aphrodesiac" - Notorious Asshole and War Criminal Henry Kissinger

"A woman's test is material. A man's test is a woman...if a man could fuck in a cardboard box, he wouldn't buy a house." - Rabbi Dave Chappelle

It was previously assumed that money was a fundamental unit of attraction to a woman. Further investigation has revealed a better understanding of this very important piece of the woman's rating system. The piece which was formerly labelled money has been replaced by a money/power paradigm. The two are almost always intertwined in a way that makes them hard to distinguish.

What is important to know about the money/power piece is that previously it was thought of as static. Now we know that the money/power piece of attraction displays time-variance. That is, the amount of money needed to get maximal "points" in the money category varies according to the age of the woman.

When a woman is younger her perspective is different as to what makes a lot of money. As she gets older the amount of money neccessary for full points increases. For a girl of 16 full points for money might be obtained by having access to a car and beer money. When she is in her early college years, a nicer car and enough money to join a fraternity is probably sufficient. As she advances into her twenties what we consider to be the normal money chart will begin to manifest itself -- that is, she'll want the richest man she can get.

Dreams of a Final Theory

I think is very very close to a final analysis of how a woman's rating system works. If you are very attractive, rich, and novel and show no interest in her she is almost guaranteed to want to fuck you.

Indeed, isn't this the very definition of Alpha Male? In this way we have derived from our theoretical framework an idea that agrees with observation and experiment to many degrees of accuracy. It also provides a frameowrk for the Logic. Strive to be attractive, novel and aloof and you will go far.

Shallow Me

"Women love it when I figure them out but they never figure me out." He said

"Do you want them to figure you out?" I replied

"Why don't you want to figure me out, Marwa?" He asked

"Because if I figure you out, I will not want you anymore" I bluntly said

"I portrayed you ... did my words hurt?" He exclaimed

"The truth does not hurt me .. lies do." I said

"What is your perception of me?" He asked

"I will write it, post it, and let you read it." With those words we concluded the discussion and went our separate ways.

I cannot think of him in words; I only think of him in visuals. He is a carpet. Not because I, or anyone else, can step allover him, but because people trip on its not so visible creases when they are not looking; when they are not knowing; when they are not suspecting; when they are not expecting. Only to land on their backs, knees, and faces with more severe injuries than a fist-fight in the street. He does not leave bruises or scars behind; he leaves broken bones and fractures that hurt and might never heal.

He is cursed, but who isn't? He is cursed because he is smart. He is smart in knowing what people are thinking and how they are feeling, but his brains are his worst enemy; he only gets attracted to people who do not want to figure him out; be it laziness, stupidity, lack of interest, or fickleness.

He has another curse. In my shallow eyes, the gift of his sharp wits and wild soul are trapped in an unattractive package of fat and flab. He reminds me of what I could have been and what I worked so hard to overcome. I look at him and I see the "me" that I escaped. "My eyes deceive me", I told him yesterday. "I get facts and knowledge via my senses, this is why I would rather trust my feelings - they never deceive me."

I wish I were not as shallow. I wish looks did not score so high on my scales.

"Don't hurt me" He said
"Don't get attached to me .. I never stay" I told him
"I know" - He always knows.

Me? A Blackhole? - another interpretation of me

Here are bits and pieces of what he said about me but for the whole piece click the link

The Blackhole

"She tells me that she has a dilemma. Almost everyone she's been involved with has told her that she is cold ...

You see, it's not that she is cold. She just doesn't generate heat, and needs to draw it in her. She is just like a Blackhole, attracting all the warmth and the light to it, and doesn't give it back ...

It's like a hologram of fire: just looks like the real thing, but don't expect it to keep you warm at night... No wonder some people run away.

The way a blackhole works is simple: It used to be a sun. A center of light and heat ... And then one day it shut down. It died. It collapsed upon itself, and it started to attract every single piece of light to it, where it would be sucked in and forever dissappear...

It attracts you, and it destroys you, and the worst thing is, there is no escaping it once you are close enough to its orbit. It draws you in, opens up to you like an old friend, gives you its embrace and ends up sucking the warmth out of you, depleting you, until there is nothing left in you for it to want...

Either way, you can't help but feel betrayed! That it wasn't supposed to be this way! The thing is though, every Blackhole used to be a sun, until something turned it off ... If you can figure it out, then you could fix it, and have a sun all to yourself...

Or maybe, just maybe, this is all just a test. Maybe it works like that as a way for the Blackhole to weed out the unworthy ... Maybe, just maybe, every Blackhole is just waiting for that special something that can pass through its gravitational pull and doesn't get destroyed, and comes in contact with it and manages to keep its heat. It would take something really strong and special to be able to do that, something worthy.

Maybe that's what this is all about. And when that day comes, the gravatational pull will stop , the destruction will cease, and the Blackhole will be satisfied, having found its exclusive heat center."

Blogging vs Writing

You might already know that I write regularly for a few Egyptian magazines in English; Egypt's Insight, Enigma, and Campus. I started writing because I needed a voice; I needed to vent, breathe, and detoxify. In October 2006, I created my first blog (Jenny) and in December 2006 I came out in the open - mask off. In February I began posting for the American Chronicle and their 21 affiliate chronicles, and in March Ex in the City linked me to their experts. This is all great news and progress. Now what am I bitching about?

I will tell you. Yesterday I got a call from my editor in Campus Magazine who informed me that my article for the April issue has been removed by "rekaba" - censorship. The 65 year old veiled lady interpreted it as "a call soliciting incest" - Please do not ask me where that came from.

Then I called my editor in Enigma to see if they had any issues with censorship. She was as sweet as ever, and told me that my Bloggers feature and my relationships article we removed because of spacing issues. A multinational advertiser took a few pages and they had to take out half of their content!

I was a bit frustrated but I was thankful for blogging and eternally grateful for the world wide web. When I first started blogging, I used to post one article each month, then they became three when I began writing for three publications. Last month I noticed that I run to my blog every time anything disturbs my peace. It is no longer about articles; it is about me living and breathing.

Every time one of my articles gets censored, removed, postponed, or even edited I feel like a gagged woman watching a thief break into her house. It is a suffocating feeling for a control-freak like myself. On the other hand, blogging is an extremely liberating experience - this is where I get relief, support, understanding, acceptance, and a genuine warm welcome.

Bye Bye magazines!

Premature

My thoughts are killing me; my head has turned into a fishtank where questions relplaced the colorful fish. Why him? What do I like about him? What do I want from him and him from me? Is there an explanation for my insanity? Could there be a reason for this fatal attraction? My mind is so much against me, my heart is giving me a code red, and my body seems to have detached itself from an upcoming disaster.

Why did they call it "falling in love"? Falling is such an ominous word. Why did they not think of flying or roaming or anything that has a sense of freedom to it? Why did they link love to risk, darkness, and suffocation? Anyway, I woke up this morning with wide eyes staring at my cats lest they had answers.

I spoke to my friend about "him" and I shared my dreams and the nightmares. He said one sentence that made the most sense; "You are having a premature relationship." I have never heard that expression before and I was intrigued. My friend explained saying that "we are two people right for one another but the timing is not as right."

I myself am a premature infant; I was born about 3 months earlier than expected. I needed special nursing until my underdeveloped organs were able to function on their own.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz am I saying he is premature? am I premature? did we give birth to a premature relationship? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I cannot think .. I cannot trace the analogy between a premature infant and a premature relationship .. I have been attempting to finish this post for a couple of days now ...

Marry Me ... Please!

I opened my eyes this morning and I did not feel right; deep down I did not feel ok. I stayed in bed, stared at the ceiling, then turned to look at my cell phone, and I had to make up my mind - work today or no work today? The thought of going to work today felt like not wanting to go to school when I was 12, the only difference here was that I did not need to come up with any excuses for my parents; I am a grown up now and I am in control.

Yes, control! How I love that word! I love being in control of my house from the movies I watch to what I put in the fridge; I love being in control of my time from my work commitments to my choices for social outings; I opted to drive to and from Alex (2 hours/way) on the same day on weekly basis because I needed to be in control of the speed, the music, the AC temperature, and the empty seat next to me.

Today I woke up and I wanted to give it all up; I am fed up, tired, down, and restless. I want to get married and dump the responsibilities that I have been shouldering on someone else. I want to stay home, maybe teach and write but I do not want any of the other stuff. I do not want to worry about bills, schedules, deadlines, and stupid people who try to fight me over how much control I have over how I get things done.

I woke up today on my feminine side; all warm loving, gentle, caring, passionate, and submissive. The masculine spirit of the fighter in me went for a walk and all what was left of me was a girl who wanted to be relieved. I proved to the whole world everything I wanted to prove and now I can just relax and move on with my life. Let men do their thing while I do mine.

So consider this an invitation ... an offer ... a request ... consider it anything - just marry me.

However, if you do not have a great career that could fulfill both of us, or if you are not handsome and well built, or if you can not keep up with my endless array of personas, or if you are not young, healthy, and happy, or if you can not comprehend my need for space, independence, and comfortable silence, or if you are not willing to work on common interests to keep us together, or if you freak out easily by my horrible openness, inner darkness, and quest for light, or if you do not love cats, curly hair, and pasta, or if ....

I am not so sure now that I want to get married ... I know that you will be like the others ... I know that I will never change ... I know that I cannot handover the helm ... I know that this is just hopeless ... No! I am hopeless ... will keep running.

His Interpretation of Me

هى أجمل من رأت عينا ترى بشغف وتفتن بم ترى
تلك المشغولة بأن تصوغ حولها أكثر ما استطاعت من قيود
ثم مشغولة بأن تحطم أكثر ما استطاعت منها

هى حزمة من أعصاب تسمّى امرأة
استغرقتها الأنوثة فليس فيها إلا أنوثة
ولعلها أنثى ونصف أنثى

ليست غواية الجسم عندها كجوع حيوان يشبعه العلف
ولكنها كرعدة الحمى وصرعة الفرس الجموح
يتبعها النشاط والمرح كما يتبعها الإعياء والبكاء

لها فراسة نفاذة فى كل ما بين الجنسين من علاقة
تفطن لما فى نفس المرأة لأنها امرأة
وتفطن لما فى نفس الرجل لأنها امرأة



عباس محمود العقاد

A Reason ... A Season ... A Lifetime!

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. Then, without any wrong-doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season! LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life."

I read that a long time ago and it had plagued my life ever since; I have been asking myself "why?" with every entrance and every exist, in or out of my life. Why me? Why you? Why now? The little girl within wants it to last ... wants that person to stay ... even if the reason is no longer there. I have a loss-phobia (if such a phobia exists) and I have an inherent fear of abandonment, that's why I just can not wrap my head around a person having to, or needing to, go away. It is just indigestible by my psyche: I still ask why couldn't it last? Ok, let's assume that I accepted the people who have to go when their mission is accomplished and the reason no longer exists. But a season? For me this means time together, sharing, giving, investing, and dreaming. Yes ... I tend to dream when people stay long enough to allow me to dream - This is even more hurtful and so unbelievably unfair. but I guess I will never be able to get the "lifetime deal" before I make my peace with all the reasons and seasons.