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Friday, March 23, 2007

If Only they Knew!

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Master of the Word

I was half deaf by the time I got home; I played the music so loud in the vain hope of silencing the voices in my head. I raced every car on the road hoping that my car would be faster than the thoughts racing through my mind. Today, I discovered a new dimension of the word "turmoil"; that word never felt as lively as it feels now. I cannot say that I am hurt; I did not get to know him that well or that long. I do not dare talk about feelings for him; he did not reach that deep within. I am just angry; this time my anger is airbrushed with violence. I wanted to slap him; I could feel my hand coming from way behind my ear, my palm pushing against the fine particles of air, my slap landing on his face with all the power I had in me, and I could hear the sound of the explosion as my fingers left their mark on his face. I wanted to hurt him, to shake him, to throw him off guard, just as he did to me. As he dropped me off, I jumped out of his car before I did something to regret. I got in my car and flashes of our conversation struck me like glimpses of lightening. A silent scream escaped my soul and a frozen tear lay still between my eyelids. I was gasping for air.

Is he a bad guy? Not at all! He is a nice and sweet man in the body of a kid. In ten days, he managed to put me in words; he managed to formulate the intricacies, contradictions, sudden turns, dead ends, and blocked roads of my dark maze - the maze that confused the most avid explorers. Then he encouraged me to "just be me", expressed his sadness that I filtered my words before they fell into his lap, and gave me all the verbal and non verbal signs that I would be safe from harm. I landed my heavy loads on him, his face changed, his mind took over, and his heart stopped beating for me. He told me that he wished I were his wife but this - my maze - was too advanced for him. I watched the spark die in his eyes and I felt his soul distancing me. The master of the word was lost for words. Uncomfortable silence, courteous smiles, and small talk added to the heavy feeling of loss - my worst fears. No matter how sugar-coated it is, rejection hurts. Raging voices from the deep void in the center of my body blurred my vision and my thoughts. I sat still but my crucible was boiling and the rotten steam of my burning guts filled my senses.

Were I in his shoes, I would have probably done the same. I understand his logic and comprehend his reasons. In me, he saw the incarnation of the devil - a cute seductive devil that would replace his faith by an insatiable need for adrenaline. After all, I am the master of mind games! I am eternally grateful for self-control, pride, and will power. I gracefully backed off by offering my friendship, apologizing for not going to a big bash with him, and announcing that I will take a few steps back. Restlessness was crawling on me, bugs were numbing my mind, and I wanted to be home alone with my cats and my laptop. We were both sorry for the loss of what could have been a great trip in the human psyche. I had something else to be sorry for; I was sorry for being me, for being real, for being a bit above the average girl. Now, at this very moment, I wish I were anyone else but who I am now. What was the drill, again? Oh yes, bottle it up, push it down, shove it beneath, and burry it all in the black box.

I can't get that song out of my head: (Humming) Time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend ... To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind ... there's no comfort in the truth ... pain is all you'll find ... Should've known better ... I feel so unsure ... as I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor ... as the music dies, something in your eyes ... calls to mind the silver screen ... and all its sad good-byes. I'm never gonna dance again ... guilty feet have got no rhythm ... though it's easy to pretend ... I know you're not a fool ... We could have been so good together ... We could have lived this dance forever ... But no one's gonna dance with me - Thank you George Michael!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

What is an Emotional Void? With that question she surprised me!

Let me start from the start!

I met her in Cairo two years ago and neither of us knew what she was doing there.

I appreciated the writer in her and she appreciated the writer in me.

She was withering as though Cairo was too much for her to handle.

The trials and tribulations of a single American girl living alone in Egypt and trying to make it on her own was sucking the light out of her soul.

No matter how much she meditated, there was always a restless look in her eyes.

She left - we stayed in touch - she is blossoming - I miss her.

In her reply to my last email, she asked me what I meant by "emotional void" - I never thought about it before. I am not sure from where I sponged that expression.

After some thought, I replied:

Emotional void means - in my case - that I have a very busy life, a great flourishing career, and so many people around me and all over me.

But I always have the feeling that in the center of my body there is a deep hole that gets deeper with every failed relationship or unfulfilled fantasy.

There is no way I can reach into myself and fill it with sand, dust, or love.

Most women would fill it with food ... stuff your tummy hoping that your heart will be full too.

An emotional void is like an ulcer the eats off your flesh, digs a hole in your guts, and hurts where you cannot heal.