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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Master of the Word

I was half deaf by the time I got home; I played the music so loud in the vain hope of silencing the voices in my head. I raced every car on the road hoping that my car would be faster than the thoughts racing through my mind. Today, I discovered a new dimension of the word "turmoil"; that word never felt as lively as it feels now. I cannot say that I am hurt; I did not get to know him that well or that long. I do not dare talk about feelings for him; he did not reach that deep within. I am just angry; this time my anger is airbrushed with violence. I wanted to slap him; I could feel my hand coming from way behind my ear, my palm pushing against the fine particles of air, my slap landing on his face with all the power I had in me, and I could hear the sound of the explosion as my fingers left their mark on his face. I wanted to hurt him, to shake him, to throw him off guard, just as he did to me. As he dropped me off, I jumped out of his car before I did something to regret. I got in my car and flashes of our conversation struck me like glimpses of lightening. A silent scream escaped my soul and a frozen tear lay still between my eyelids. I was gasping for air.

Is he a bad guy? Not at all! He is a nice and sweet man in the body of a kid. In ten days, he managed to put me in words; he managed to formulate the intricacies, contradictions, sudden turns, dead ends, and blocked roads of my dark maze - the maze that confused the most avid explorers. Then he encouraged me to "just be me", expressed his sadness that I filtered my words before they fell into his lap, and gave me all the verbal and non verbal signs that I would be safe from harm. I landed my heavy loads on him, his face changed, his mind took over, and his heart stopped beating for me. He told me that he wished I were his wife but this - my maze - was too advanced for him. I watched the spark die in his eyes and I felt his soul distancing me. The master of the word was lost for words. Uncomfortable silence, courteous smiles, and small talk added to the heavy feeling of loss - my worst fears. No matter how sugar-coated it is, rejection hurts. Raging voices from the deep void in the center of my body blurred my vision and my thoughts. I sat still but my crucible was boiling and the rotten steam of my burning guts filled my senses.

Were I in his shoes, I would have probably done the same. I understand his logic and comprehend his reasons. In me, he saw the incarnation of the devil - a cute seductive devil that would replace his faith by an insatiable need for adrenaline. After all, I am the master of mind games! I am eternally grateful for self-control, pride, and will power. I gracefully backed off by offering my friendship, apologizing for not going to a big bash with him, and announcing that I will take a few steps back. Restlessness was crawling on me, bugs were numbing my mind, and I wanted to be home alone with my cats and my laptop. We were both sorry for the loss of what could have been a great trip in the human psyche. I had something else to be sorry for; I was sorry for being me, for being real, for being a bit above the average girl. Now, at this very moment, I wish I were anyone else but who I am now. What was the drill, again? Oh yes, bottle it up, push it down, shove it beneath, and burry it all in the black box.

I can't get that song out of my head: (Humming) Time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend ... To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind ... there's no comfort in the truth ... pain is all you'll find ... Should've known better ... I feel so unsure ... as I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor ... as the music dies, something in your eyes ... calls to mind the silver screen ... and all its sad good-byes. I'm never gonna dance again ... guilty feet have got no rhythm ... though it's easy to pretend ... I know you're not a fool ... We could have been so good together ... We could have lived this dance forever ... But no one's gonna dance with me - Thank you George Michael!


Anonymous said...

allow me to be the first to post a comment to ur piece since am the "master of the word" himself. u have every right to feel the way u want to feel about us. but, u chose to see the whole thing from ur side, and only ur side...
as for me, i dont reacall you saying, lets give it a try ur way mister! u rejected who i am too. u wanted it ur way and if not then its rejection. it wasnt rejection... we both couldnt meet half way, what makes it rejection on my behalf??
i repeat, u didn't want it my way either, so i guess we both did the same thing.
like i told u yesterday, people have the highest tendency to feel sorry for themselves... regardless of other givens.

MechanicalCrowds said...

Great post... very deep & personal. You spilled your heart out. Though life is too precious to spend it in this state Marwa.

Marwa Rakha said...

Thank you MC:) I am human after all:)

Anonymous said...

Dear marwa,
let me tell you first that i admire your courage and honesty in The way you express your feelings, and i understand every feeling you expressed, i wish i had the same strength, but you see, you said it was only 10 days , and no deep feelings, and its normal to have miscommunication problems at early stages.
But how would you explain that rejection and miscommunication after three years? three years i loved him more than i have loved anyone, changed my whole life for him, tailored it to fit and suit him, put him ahead of everything and everyone even myself.
we were inseparable, on daily basis , we had our good times and our bad ones as in all relations, i allowed and accepted a lot of things from him that i never allowed anybody, and he stepped all over me so many times, i never minded that ,i even always apologized for his mistakes in order to keep him, i loved him, needed him, and simply didn't want him to go away, even though i knew for a fact that we were never going to be long term, it didn't matter ,all i wanted was to be near him and there for him, he always said , i will never let you out of my life no matter what you will always be there one way or another and i settled for that. yet when i was going through some rough times and he had his own problems , and though we were together every single day , i just felt that he was emotionally cold , distant , and as if he was there physically only.
i told him how i felt (here is the part of being yourself, spilling your heart out , and expecting that your significant other will understand and help)anyways he kept denying , and calling it a fragment of my imagination, and i kept asking for a conversation , communication, a healthy way to save the situation and clear the air, all i wanted is to know what's wrong, what's going on, what's on his mind , maybe i could help him figure things out and he might do the same , he kept rejecting the idea claiming that he is not in the mood , i kept building up, and i admit i wasn't the sweet pleasant easy going person i always was, i felt ignored and i felt like i am being set up for something i don't know, we kept stabbing each other under the belt with words, and it wasn't pleasant.
yet and given all that leaving him was never an option , he was a part of me , still is as a matter of fact, to me he was just like my son ,no matter how angry he makes me , or how bad he treats me or does me wrong , giving him up was never an option, working things out was the only option resolving it was the only way, i would never have considered it otherwise.
the funny thing is that i didn't trust him in many things , but one thing i never doubted his famous word ( you will never be out of my life , even if u tried , i will never allow you)
obviously he meant that he will never allow me if i wanted, but if he wanted i'll be out in no time.

he came up to me one day and said ,( here was the setup) we need to keep things to the minimum, otherwise it would get ugly, I asked if he wants a break or a break up , he said no of course not , just stay at minimum level until we cool down, I didn’t understand what that meant yet I agreed , again trusting his famous quote.

All at once this minimum was nothing at all, disappearing most days , with excuses of course, refusing to see me all the time ( for 2 months now) angry other times, telling me that I hurt his pride a lot and he needs to cool down first and that something inside him has shut down, and he can't make any promises.
YET he insisted that we are not over he didn't take a decision and that had he wanted out or had he someone else he would tell me, he would never keep me hanging all this time had he decided . i told him that shutting me out will not help solve or resolve anything, if we were to work things out either way we have to do it together, again got the same reply and the same reassurance that I should trust what we have and that he doesn't want me to go away, only give him time. i asked him in many ways I even begged him to let me know the truth , in order not to keep trying in vain, giving me false hope and let me keep on trying like that when he already is set on something , is simply unfair and hurts like hell, I begged him to have mercy and be honest, and even promised that if he said we were through I will understand and respect his decision , and won't keep bothering him, all I got was the same answer over and over .

My mind didn't believe that but my heart wanted to , wanted to trust that he wouldn't do this to me , and by "this" I don't mean leave me, that was always an option for him, but I meant do it this way . I felt that after all of this, all what we have been through , all what I tolerated from him, and all the love I had for him, when it came to breaking up, it would be in a civil way , with respect to all the good times we had, and all the years we spent together, and all the feelings involved, I thought I deserve that , I deserve closure not torture , I at least deserve respect for my feelings for him, even if they were not needed anymore, not punishment in return. Till date things are still the same.

So What do you think about that, I am sure you would say I hated him , I stayed away, and moved on right? Otherwise I would be pathetic.
I wish that was right, ( have you seen the Arabic movie " asfa arfod haza el talak") that is exactly the case I refuse leaving this way, I can't accept it , I can't accept that all this love and tolerance were a waste, worth nothing, three years of my life were a big fat lie , I want to hear him say it, I can't come back , I don't want to go on. Is that too much to ask? Why is it so difficult for him to do so? Wouldn't it make it easier for him to move on unbothered, why make all those promises instead , why make the effort , I wish I had answers , I wish I could put my mind at ease , and let go.
i will quote youfrom your last article , as i couldn't put it in a better way (An emotional void is like an ulcer the eats off your flesh, digs a hole in your guts, and hurts where you cannot heal.)


The Jewel said...

This is the best example of 2 sides to a story...
In any relationship, there has to be compromise thus meeting half way. "Mr Master of the Word", you seem to be somewhat arrogant in your responses.. Why should Marwa give it a try your way alone?? This is not about a one sided relationship: my way or the highway...It takes 2 to tango Mr. "Master Of The Word."
The Jewel

The Jewel said...

Dearest Amani,

As I read your text, I could feel the deep intense confusion and turmoil
this person has caused to your emotional and psychological life. Amani, he
is not for you, you must turn the page and live your life… The words he is
telling you are lies…he is a liar nothing less and too selfish to tell the
truth…He doesn’t care about your feelings, only about his. Three years is
long time but what would you say if it was seven years?

You must forget this person ever existed, he is only using you to his own
personal gain and advantage while at the same abusing of your kind and
loving heart. You have put your own life on hold and put his needs before
your own, while he puts his needs before yours anyway! Perhaps he did have
feelings towards you but they were only scratching the surface while yours
were deep and genuine as could be.

Forget this person ever existed. You do not need to hold on to words, they
are meaningless without the actions. Actions speak louder than words! He is
full of empty words, and you keep on holding on to them and repeating the
words trying to convince yourself that he is good for you.. HE is NOT for
Remember, your life is worth living to the fullest. You deserve someone who
can give back what you give in loving tender care. A life is never meant to
be put on hold for someone’s else pleasing. The strings he has webbed
around you, he pulls as he pleases. You are like his puppet and he is the
“Puppet Master”…You are the Master of your own destiny, please look deep
inside yourself and see your own worth, your self worth. You deserve
someone who can give back more than what you give. You seem to be like such
a nice person filled with lots of love and selflessness…You should share
that love with someone who truly cares about you and has loving actions that
speak louder than useless and empty words…
Do not despair as this is a lesson for you. I am sure this relationship has
caused you immense grief, heart ache and pain; I am sure the tears that have
flown down your cheeks were enough to fill the ocean …Remember keep your
tears for the one who will never make you cry!
I do wish you all the best in overcoming the pain this relationship has
caused. Time is the healer of all wounds and you will heal…

Sincerely, The Jewel

Anonymous said...

Dear jewel,

i can't thank you enough for your kind and caring words, just taking the time to post your comment means alot, it shows that there are still caring people out there, had there been more people like you out there , the world would certainly be a better place to live in.

thanks again,