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Thursday, October 25, 2007

Detoxing




* I have reached a point where I got so familiar with the colors of sadness and madness; they come wrapped in a big brownish ball - the color of human waste.

* I am sick of the color, the smell, the taste, and the feeling of deep shit!

* My heart is sinking, my soul is sulking, and a vicious crab is playing xo on my guts with its cutting edges.

* I turned from the inspiration to the burden; from the muse to the block; from the comfort to the pressure; from the real thing to the distraction; from the relationship to the rebound.

* There is a huge void in the center of my body; I have no passion, no thoughts, no drive, and no life. I am a drained air-vacuumed sac of human bones!

* I knew this feeling; the feeling deep down that the person at the other end is slipping away. I knew it is over and I knew that the more I held on, the more I would get hurt!

* Getting over someone is hard; ending a relationship is hard; overcoming a crush is hard; letting go is hard; I wished it would just hurt a bit then go away.

* I am now vomiting the toxic residues of a relationship that went sour; the leftovers of a person who poisoned my life!

* I've been hit by a bus; I do not want to get out of bed. I am sitting there hurting from inside. I am unable to reach into myself - where it hurts - to try to make it better .

* There are tears to go with the pain. Sometimes I just go numb then I am struck by a sudden pang of pain. I feel overwhelmed by anger at life.

* I tried resisting but the more I resisted the more difficult it got. It was like pushing a rewind button that would start the cycle all over again.

* Memories hurt. Unfulfilled wishes and dreams hurt. Anger hurt. The wounded ego of a person should have been worshipped hurt.

* The hole is getting deeper. The wound feels as if it would never heal. It is a vicious cycle that is just draining me.

* The peak periods are driving to, or back from, work, upon waking up, before going to bed, during meals, watching a movie, before a date, on a date, after a date, with family, with old friends, with new friends, at work ... I do not recall the rest of the times when I want to shoot myself!

* I never knew that misery can be seen, felt, touched, smelt, heard, and tasted.

* I know the drill by heart; sinking, sulking, aching, hitting rock bottom, then bottling it up, pushing it down, locking it in my black box with my other black memories, and then climbing my way up the tunnel.

13 comments:

Shimaa Gamal said...

My Dear Marwa

I am so sorry to see you going through that path one more time.
I know that all the comforting words will sound similar and out of this world. I know it is harder everytime but I a sure that you will always find your way.
I won't tell you that I know how hurt you feel, I won't give you list of things to do to get back to shape, I won't be another someone who knows nothing and saying none sense.
I am happy you have put it into words, and that you are struggling your way back to the surface.

I am really sorry, that someone out there had hurt a preicious like you.

Marwa Rakha said...

No no no Shimaa:) I am ok .. I am happy and doing well ... I am detoxing from past experiences sweetness ... it is all in the past:)

Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

your are so brave to admit that your body contain all of these poisonous thoughts

and i am glad it is just in the past

nothing like getting over a relationship ... the pain is unbearable ... be well always

Marwa Rakha said...

You know what trapped soul ... yes it is in the past but I still dread the day when I feel like that again

Shimaa Gamal said...

I am so happy to learn it is all in the past :)

FidoDido said...

marwa, any thing happened to us in life will left residuals in our soul. why u detoxing them just burying it inside deeeeep well because toxic is useful to our soul,it protect us form being harmed by same toxic in future so bury your experiment and when u need it just click this magic button in your brain to make this toxics come out. hope u feel batter in your new relationship. be happy :)

Riham Reda said...

I know it was past... but I see it is still there... detoxifying is not easy, and getting rid of our life residuals is completely not applicable in our case...
you know we grew through our memories and experience... this is what made us solid like rock... shaped our brain into a real one...
Keep on trying... but we are who we are because of our past experiences in life...

He & She said...

I feel you Marwa. I feel every impulse of pain you feel but I am so confident that a woman like you will get over it quicker and smoother and will learn more when she will pick her next option

Marwa Rakha said...

Everything passes ya Fido Dido:)

Marwa Rakha said...

Hey Remi ... I always say "I am proud of where I am now ... I just do not want to remember how I got there"!!!

Marwa Rakha said...

Thank you He & She:) I have no guarantees that I will not make the same mistakes again but I know for sure that I am becoming an expert at letting go and at detachment:)

abdelrahman samir said...

im egybtion man and im habby by u and i wish we have milion girle lik u .ar u think that u toxecated alon ? no my dear .along my life i relized that all of us had be toxecated and we are still .my dear i agree with u in every thing ar u know why? bec i isolated from this atmosfer in my country ab 4 years i was completly alone her in KSA faraway from eny effect of my socity on me and sembly i found my self her with my light along 4 years she is great women and she was &still my light SHE Is OPERA WENFRY.she wase uosful to me than every person in my country .my dear i wish ur free voice rech to every where and we need u v much . my god place u and with u . and haw can i talke with u or contact u . thanks alot 4 ur time with my recpekt u are afighter .

abdelrahman samir said...

im egybtion man and im habby by u and i wish we have milion girle lik u .ar u think that u toxecated alon ? no my dear .along my life i relized that all of us had be toxecated and we are still .my dear i agree with u in every thing ar u know why? bec i isolated from this atmosfer in my country ab 4 years i was completly alone her in KSA faraway from eny effect of my socity on me and sembly i found my self her with my light along 4 years she is great women and she was &still my light SHE Is OPERA WENFRY.she wase uosful to me than every person in my country .my dear i wish ur free voice rech to every where and we need u v much . my god place u and with u . and haw can i talke with u or contact u . thanks alot 4 ur time with my recpekt u are afighter .