Ask Marwa: I am a rape survivor (Identity Magazine) - Marwa Rakha

Ask Marwa: I am a rape survivor (Identity Magazine) - Marwa Rakha

I’m a rape survivor! I don’t want to go into the whole story, because I will break down and cry, but it was an awful experience that ruined my life for good. I think about it all the time, and I still feel disgusting. I wanted to tear all my skin off my body at the time. It’s terrifying. I felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs, but in reality, I couldn’t move; couldn't say a word. It was kind of an out of body experience. I remember going home running to the bath room and taking a hot bath and just sat there in the tub scrubbing, trying to erase his touch. I just couldn’t get rid of it. I was so ashamed and violated. I thought a lot about suicide those days that followed. I just wanted to die; I wanted it over. I got so much isolated afterwards, I didn’t leave my house for months, couldn’t face the world. I rejected engaging in any relationship. Currently, I’m trying gradually to go back to the old me, I want to forget all about the past and start over. I know that living in a religious strict society like Egypt, I couldn’t face the world as a raped victim; I know it’s not my fault but still in our society it’s hard to be accepted. Who on earth is going to marry a raped woman? Will he believe me if I told him that I'm not a virgin because I got raped? I doubt it. I’m thinking of having an artificial hymen so that I forget about my past and start over. Will I be deceiving the man I’ll marry, or it's just not my fault so I have the right to live normally. Please advice