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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Divorced

Young, healthy, uninhibited, and alive; this is how I would portray him with words. I lost myself in his deep blue eyes while I played with my hands in his golden sandy locks. He had the heat of a warm sun. Nature blessed him with a solid mountainous exposition that became the compass of my life. On his shore, I let go of my pain and anger; I buried my sadness and freed my soul. He radiated love into my life - but he was poor!

Along came a rich man; older but not too old; traditional but not stiff; disciplined and groomed. He lured me with wealth and power. I sealed the deal with a kiss on his firm forehead, and I took off. I abandoned the love of my life for a man who would provide me with security and stability. In six years of marriage, I watched myself wither; I was starved for passion yet was unable to love him. I tried to be the dutiful wife but my mind used to wander to a time when I had love and happiness. I abided by the basic minimum. I was prostituting myself.

I missed him. I needed to laugh. My soul was chained. I was miserable. There were of course happy moments but nothing compared to the mind blowing orgasmic moments I shared with the one man that I loved. Six years is a very slow death. I still feel his burden next to me smothering the living soul out of me; I would not kiss him; I could not touch him; I resented him; I hated him and I hated myself for hating him. He was patient; he just wanted me to love him.

I wanted a divorce after three months; I backed off for fear of what people would say. I also knew that my sweetheart would not take me back. I have been contemplating divorce for the past two years; fear of starting over scared me. I have had so many set-backs until I finally did it. My divorce is final. We have been emotionally divorced way before our legal divorce. like everything else with him, the divorce was civil, cold, and tasteless.

Why am I not happy? Why am I not celebrating? Isn't this what I wanted? Why am I so burnt out? I feel so exhausted. Did I do the right thing? Will I suffer? Will I starve without his security net? Change scares me, and the worst change that is scaring me is the change that took place within me. I need to get in touch with the person I once was before he came into my life.

I once had a bird who locked up in a cage. I opened the cage one day but the bird did not fly; he poked his head out of the cage and the big big world scared him. He stayed in the cage, though its door was open. I kicked him out of the cage he fell on the floor. I picked him up and threw him out of the balcony expecting him to spread his wings and fly; he fell like a rock and died - my bird forgot that he was born with wings.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good for you, at least you had the courage to make the change that you so obviously needed.

NileGirl said...

Is this a true story? This story is 100%, frighteningly, accurately mine as well. Only I married him because I was insanely naive and young and he looked good on paper, not for money. Which essentially is the same mistake. I've been dead inside for years but I finally broke free and I will absolutely not fall to my death. I'm ready to fly...


This part especially:

"My soul was chained. I was miserable. There were of course happy moments... Six years is a very slow death. I still feel his burden next to me smothering the living soul out of me; I would not kiss him; I could not touch him; I resented him; I hated him and I hated myself for hating him. He was patient; he just wanted me to love him."

Holy cow, are you in my head? :)
You're scaring me!

Eyad Harfoush said...

Maybe for me it was different, I opened the cage door and flyed away after divorce for 1.5 years, then I figured out that the lady who gathers the mind of Athina, beauty of Aphrodite, and charecter of Hera all together does only exist in my mind. Plus, I am not Zeus to ask for such a lady myself. So, I was back to cage electively. It was meaningless to keep others suffering while I did not get the happiness I wanted

Joan said...

I am always far more concerned when people are overly happy about the finalization of their divorce. It's the end of the happily ever after fairy tale.

Divorce is difficult regardless of the circumstances. But pain is the price of freedom.

Marwa Rakha said...

Anonymous, please leave your name next time:) Yes I did need the change, it took a lot of courage and I know it was worth it.

Nile Girl,

Some people get married to men and other people get married to other things; I am one of those people who gets married to her job. The divorce story involves no real men; it is more of how I see the companies I work for and the job that I have to do. - It still hurts.

As for you, I cannot begin describing how proud I am of you and how I wish your courage can be injected into the hearts and brains of many other women who live the life of a rag.

Hello Eyad,

As I told Nile Girl, that I got divorced from "a job". Nonetheless, I understand where you are coming from.

PS Pandora is your woman .... only if you can manage her;

Zeus wanted to punish mankind. The punishment was a woman. More specifically, Pandora, her name meaning 'all gifts'. Pandora was given several traits from the different gods: Hephaestus molded her out of clay and gave her form; Athena clothed her and the Charites adorned her with necklaces made by Hephaestus; Aphrodite gave her beauty; Apollo gave her musical talent and a gift for healing; Demeter taught her to tend a garden; Poseidon gave her a pearl necklace and the ability to never drown; Hera gave her curiosity; Hermes gave her cunning, boldness, and charm.

Zeus gave her insatiable curiosity and mischievousness. Thus the name Pandora—"all gifts"—in Hesiod's version derives from the fact that she received gifts from all deities.

Marwa Rakha said...

Hey Joan,

We grow and mature through pain; yes, it is the price!

I am now going through a phase of nothing but fear ... fear took over my mind.

Just in case you did not read my reply above, my marriage and divorce were not to and from a man.

askandarani said...

change is good, I always say to myself the best is yet to come. Mark my words, usually there is no regret. “divorce” happens long time before signing the papers. get out your running shoes and go. You will be fit again in no time and better than ever before.

rafik said...

It took you long time to reach a divorce decision. I liked the way you described your first date.
Good Luck.

Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

this divorce story reminded me of a movie i saw on one TV months ago ... it was describing the years of separation between India and Pakistan, and the silent war between Hindu and Muslim at that time...

through an Indian Hindu woman who has been kidnapped by a Muslim man who was in love with her, and did his best for her to have a little love ... but in vain

the story ended in a bit different way ... her family found her, and agreed with the Muslim man to leave her to go back to India .. and guess what she did ...

she refused and preferred to stay with the Muslim man .. she suddenly realized that he has been home for her for years ... feared to leave ...to lose what was sheltering her and give her identity

Marwa you are so brave .. you didn't fear the change .. you didn't fear to start again .. you let go all what was familiar ... to discover more of the outside world .. and more of you

may god bless your choices .. always

Eyad Harfoush said...

Dear Miss Courage in Person,
I tried to e-mail but it failed n I did not know why, Just wanted to say, if u decided to divorce marketing job, this is very sound decision to me, only if you are planning to give more time to writing. I am like u in a marketing job and my soul remains with my poetry and books. So I am dreaming to do what u did one day, may be being a father it differs a little as I had to postpone the divorce, but definitely I want to give more to mankind than a launch campaign. What do u think?

Marwa Rakha said...

Thank you Askandarani for the support - as usual you understand and as usual you are supportive.

You are right Dr. Rafik, Divorce is not an easy decision. Consequences are quite scary and they have to be weighed.

Marwa Rakha said...

My dear trapped soul, your words made me feel that every time I break free and fly high, I am doing it for me and for you, and for all other women who have trapped souls.

Yes, I flew away. But I am still trapped in other vicious circles .. I guess utter freedom does not exist.

What would it take to free you?

Marwa Rakha said...

Hey Eyad,I had a technical error in my hotmail. All is good now.

I did not divorce marketing; I divorced a "person" who was killing the marketer in me. I wish writing paid more - I have bills to worry about:)

A launch campaign could be a great added value to mankind and can have its impact. You only need to believe in the impact.

If you feel that your writing will not reach people and will not affect their lives, you will not write. Likewise, if you do not believe that your launch campaign will make a difference, you will quit marketing.

Eyad Harfoush said...

Dear Marwa,
Here is a point of difference, I do believe in marketing as a concept for business, and this is how I achieved for 11 years, yet my problem is a little deeper. I do not believe in capitalism as a way to mankind happiness. I am more toward the third way "socialism" you can say.

A launch campaign can influence people lifestyle, unfortunately toward American lifestyle in most of cases-But thank God I am not part of this as I am in healthcare / animal health marketing- but, it can never sort out the major society problems, my obsessions are:
1- Theological separation of Egyptian society to Coptics and Muslims
2- Increasing gap between socio-economic classes
3- Ruined marital and family life in Egyptian society with its subsequences
4- Materialism and the uni-value society we represent now

Sorry, my words were not clearly expressing what I meant from beginning, but it was about you anyway. One I quit Johnson &Johnson for a major disagreement with the MEA director, but life continued, Reitz missed Marwa, but Marwa did not miss Reitz

Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

What would it take to free me !!

to beleive ... again