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Sunday, April 29, 2007

The Color of Loneliness

Every feeling has a color; anger is red, sadness is blue, and happiness is orange. Loneliness is colored in the shades of purple; purple reminds me of bruises; bruises, at first, are intense and painful but as they fade away by time, the deep purple blossoms into mysterious flowers of lavender, orchids, lilac and violets. So attractive yet so sad!

Purple is said to be the color of royalty, nobility, and spirituality. If I have a palette of colors, I can mix the hot red with the cool blue to create the intriguing purple shade. Like wise, loneliness comes from mixing a passionate heart with a cold attitude - the story of my life! The right shade of purple triggers my imagination; hence, unleashing my creative powers, but too much blue in the mixture results in moodiness and sulking.

I researched articles on the culture of purple, and it turns out to be the color of mourning for widows in Thailand and the favorite color of Egypt's Cleopatra. The purple heart is a U.S. Military decoration given to soldiers wounded in battle. I am mourning the days that pass me by in utter solitude and isolation. I am mourning the bruises that are hidden from inquisitve eyes. I am the Cleapatra of the Millenuim. I am a Cleopatra painted in the color of Liz Tailor's eyes. I have been wounded in the battles of the heart and the conquests of passion.

I am all bruised and loneliness colors my busy life. Juggling several careers does not fill the void. Men all around me do not quench the thirst. Loneliness hits hard amongst people; I feel the most single when I am in a relationship; I am in isolation when I am with friends. So out of place ... so misplaced ... so different in a common way. I am the withering lilac ... the memory of a bruise ... it is just another bruise ... it will fade away.


Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

purple is my favorite color ever; i like it so much ...

i must be so lonely to like it that much !!

but the interesting thing is, i never like to put it on ... maybe cause i don't wanna show my loneliness to the outside world, maybe i wanna remain with the mask of joy and adaptation as long as i am with others

you have perfectly described how i feel when i was in a relation, and when i am with friends .. that ache a little like bruises .. and i just hope it fades away ... thought even if ... the pain will still visit from time to time, and the painful memory will last till forever.

Marwa Rakha said...

It is amazing how some human beings can share such universal feelings and bond by just that.

I am sorry to have written such a melancholic post.

Eyad Harfoush said...

Dear Both,
Miss Courage in Person and Moon Goddess,
Feeling lonely when you are with others, feeling bored while you have tons of attachments, feeling emotional deprivation while you are in a relationship….etc. such feelings we usually have due to one of the following:

1- Delusion of Grandiosity: when we feel we are beyond others, beyond their capacity of understanding and accommodating

2- Delusion of Freakiness: feeling we are very different from others, we do not feel superior here, and it is usually worse than grandiosity as it is usually complicated by inferiority complexes, expressing itself in arrogant behavior with others.

Both 1& 2 are called delusions as it is not true. The problem here is we do not put ourselves in the right environment for us, the same problem of the black duckling.

3- Conscious double personality disorder: happens when we do consciously live with an outer shell, because we think our inner real persona is very unacceptable. We then do not share our real selves with others and subsequently we feel lonely.

Remember, I am not claiming you are abnormal, I feel what you do feel and my feeling comes from the reasons 1 & 3. it is a normal traits not a psychotic disorders.

Marwa Rakha said...

Hey Eyad, I love this analysis:) let me see ... what is my trigger?

To be honest, well honesty is the whole point here, I will say

1- Delusion of Grandiosity? Nop, never!

2- Delusion of Freakiness? I admit, I feel like a freak!

3- Conscious double personality disorder? Guilty as charged!

Thanks again;)

Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

hey eyad ... good analysis as usual ...

i think that all three of them are describing me with a certain extent ...

1- i feel that my true self is beyond the understanding of the others ... maybe cause i feel i am too complicated .. even on myself.

2- i am definitely a freak :) (seems that me and marwa are freak-mates :), a new expression like soulmates but with the freaky spices)

3- and concious double personality disorder ... but better call it million personality disorder.

a good question which needs an answer!! when all this will ever end !!!

bluestone said...

OUCH ,,, You just went right to my heart with that one ,,,,
This is my first time here on your blog and here I wanna comment on every word ...GOD ,, you are good ..
This post ,, this deep right-to-the-point post ,,, I felt each and every single word in it ,,, If I was writing abt me I wouldn't said it any better ,, or any different ... Specially that part of the several carreers which do not feel the void and all the men who are just ,, not enough ...

It's hard ,, and getting harder the more you sucess and the more unique you become ... I am one of a kind ,,, that is too lonely ...


Marwa Rakha said...

Yes BlueStone ... one of a kind is too lonely ... it is cold and scary ... thank you for keeping me company in my lonliness

Nidal AL Okiely said...

Alot of irony in your article Marwa,and I felt every written word, and that is why I like reading your blog,maybe will not agree to everything, but I have to admit you do have the art and talent to touch souls and hearts directly with no closed doors or blocks in your blog, as much as lonely hurts,in a way,it still gives peace, you can never hate being lonly, yet you can never hate it.............
Nidal Al Okiely