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Thursday, July 12, 2007

When the Apple is Ripe it will Fall



“I met someone” she said in a voice that lacked the buzz of a new relationship.
“But?” I asked knowing that there had to be a “but”.
“He is eight years younger!”

I understand why a woman my age, or older, could be attracted to someone who is younger, or much younger; yet, I failed to grasp the logic – if such a word exists – behind young men who willingly consensually freely choose to dive into a relationship with someone who is ten years older than he is. By a relationship I do not mean an affair, I am referring to a full fledged relationship that incorporates all the rules of Victorian courtship – the wining and dining, the meet my friends and meet your friends, the call me and call you, and the love you and miss you routines.

Almost 33, I am secretly growing more insecure in the presence of younger girls, but obviously I have competitive advantages that I am not aware of. I am no exception to this new perplexing rule; A, N, M, and H are four of my friends whose ages range from 37 to 47, and they are attracting guys who are at best 8 years younger. My last four attempts at dating were with guys whose ages ranged from 23 to 28. My Facebook account is bombarded with friend requests from a breed that is a decade younger than I am. My blog is piling up comments from angry bloggers who recently developed facial hair. Something is wrong!! How do we, older women, attract them - younger guys?

I am bad at guessing! I had to ask them! I needed to hack their little green brains and find out the answer. My classroom – there is no better place to start. Instead of a pop quiz in marketing, I handed them a piece of paper with one question and I gave them an hour to give me the answer that has been confusing the heck out of me. The question was: If you had a choice, would you rather date someone your age or, would you date me, or someone else, knowing that there is more or less ten years of difference in age? Why yes? Why no? The look on their faces was priceless! The silence that filled the room was louder than anything they would have said. They were looking at me for clarification and I gave them none. I told them that the clock was ticking and that I was serious.

In an hour the answer sheets were on my desk and I impatiently began checking their responses. There were some flattering comments about my eyes and smile and there were some semi-insulting comments about my temper and insanity. As I went deeper into their explanation my eyes grew wider in shock as I found out the major points of differentiation that make those guys favor ripe apples – as one student put it down. A combined list would say that we are more mature, independent, experienced, understanding, and appreciative of the little things young girls take of granted. We have careers and are busy with important and meaningful stuff. We are good listeners and we give good advice. The list goes on to highlight our graces; secure, intellectual, connected, and confident.

One student said that we do not ask silly questions and we do not get upset over stupid things like “Do you love me? Do I look good? Why didn’t you call? Where were you? Who’s that girl? Or I have a curfew, I cannot be seen with you, and let’s cruise.” Some guys said that being with an older woman will make younger women interested; “if I were to date you, young girls will be jealous and they will want to know what is so special about me that would make an icon like you go out with me. – I must be really mature and experienced to satisfy you.” Another student was very honest when he said “you will pick up the check all the time; this is the price you will pay for going out with a hot dude like myself – I mean you know I am young and I cannot afford your outings.” Several opinions shed light on expectations; “girls my age want to get married – not to me in particular, they just want to get married. You will not rush me into meeting your family and will not bother me with questions about the future. Older women are down to earth and they just want to live the moment.”

On the more aggressive side, a guy replied saying that “I like to think of it as a charitable act of goodwill. If being around someone who is going downhill would make her feel better, then so be it. I also enjoy how her younger female friends look at me. Some of them even flirt.” Another guy said that “behind their confident experienced façade, older women need to be held and touched. They need a sharp pencil – if you know what I mean (wink).” Outside the classroom, a blogger told me, face to face, that older women are just a phase “I am learning and gaining experience so I will be ready for a girl my age. Being with her makes me feel so grown up but there will be a time when I go back in the time machine to my real age. It is never serious. There is an implicit deal between me and my girlfriend, if you want to call her so, that there is no happily ever after end to our relationship.”

I was visiting 37 year old divorced N a few months ago at her place and we were having the usual girl talks until she told me that her boyfriend is coming. I wanted to leave but she insisted that I met him. I asked her what he did for a living and she told me that he was an account executive in an agency. I then asked her how they met and she said that they had met online. I asked her if he was married, she laughed, and told me that he was 28. I knew that she was lonely and that her dating options were next to disgusting, and I could understand her reasons for dating a younger guy but I was super curious about his reasons especially when I saw him. He was well groomed, well spoken, well dressed, and well bred. I was too shy to ask him about his interest in my friend, so I waited till he was gone and I asked her to give me her best guesses for his motives.

She told me that he was fascinated by her day to day stories – the same stories that bored men her age. When it came to his personal or professional life, he found her advice indispensable. Plus of course the fact that she had her own place, lived alone, and was in touch with her feminine side. She told me that she offered him the comfort, space, and freedom that young girls could not provide. N would never ask him any question that started with why, when, who, where, how, what, how long, or how often. She is independent – mentally and emotionally – and with his monthly 3000 Egyptian Pounds, it is not likely that he could be entertaining any ideas of getting married soon. N was very comfortable analyzing his motives and was under no illusion that this could be love or that it could end up with something old, something new, or something borrowed and something blue.

A 28 year old guy was wooing me, and after I declared my age, he said with a huge smile on his face that women are like apples; the older they grow the riper they become. Sarcastic as usual, I said that ripe apples are bruised from the inside and have visible brown patches. I was a bit self conscious when I added that this was a sign that they were approaching their expiry date. My smart cookie said that those brown patches are sweeter, softer, more tender, and much tastier than the rest of the apple. I could not keep up with the witty conversation. I did like the puppy look in his eyes. I was falling, and ironically speaking, I resorted to the Irish proverb that says: When the apple is ripe it will fall!

23 comments:

IRC President said...

A very good "research" if I can call it so, daring as well. Though sometimes these kind of relations can be only out of friendship.

Thank you for this post anyway.

Marwa Rakha said...

Thanks President:)

Frienship is perfectly fine but most of the time the approach is differnet.

د /إياد حرفوش said...

Dear Marwa,
The Freudian part of me has a relatively different explanation of the syndrome you pointed. It is based on (no offense) bilateral feeling of disability from both parties.

The younger “Pencil” feels his resources, experience, accommodative capacity and charisma are too minor to compete for the fresh apples, as he usually gets knock-outs from the oldies. Then, he turns his head toward the ripe apple, that is theoretically less competitive, less demanding, and very eager to be eaten if I can say. A widely accepted theory among young boys, specially those who are less prominent in their societies states that ripe apples are much easier to fall, this is a great motive for these boys who has less BATNA

The ripe apple, unconsciously realizes that she is becoming less valuable to experienced Champaign testers, who puts intact skin and rosy color as a pre-requisite, plus usually a ripe apple will have an average of 5 lousy experiences with matured men. Specially if the ripe apple was a prominent one and everyman freaks-out from her leadership style, she gave-up seeking Mr. Right and goes for the tiny-winy model of men, who already admits she is the leader and has no problem with that fact.

So, both parties have this kind of relation despite it is not the best for both because they believe this is the best they can get. I see it is not the best for two reasons,

1- A man with sound personality will not feel happy and comfortable if he is not leading, impressing and accommodating
2- A woman with sound personality will never feel happy with a man who cannot give her the feeling of security, reliability and fatherly leadership.

Wish you accept my criticism as understanding as you used to be

د /إياد حرفوش said...

Miss courage in person started to apply restrictions on others comments?? Amazing to me. Thought your ability to tolerate diversity and face the world is unlimited ya Marwa

Marwa Rakha said...

Hey Eyad ... I started comment moderation and I deleted my email from my profile as another filter in my life .. enhanced screening process so to speak.

As for your comment, it really made me laugh:) So sarcastic and so true:) What a sick crazy world that is!

Arima said...

Hi,

I came across your blog URL on facebook and decided to have a look. You have some really fascinating posts. I took the liberty of adding you to my blogroll- hope you don't mind?

Marwa Rakha said...

Hey Arima, I am glad you liked my blog ... It is an honor to be on your blogroll .. I stopped by and will read in details later

mohamed hashish said...

hello marwa , nice subject to handle . we miss this popupquiz in our class, if u were dtamatic answers

mohamed hashish said...

hi marwa
as usual one of ur habbits, intersting subjects to handle
we miss this popup quiz , or u were found AMAZING ANSWERS
yalla alhamdoallah

Anonymous said...

Hi Marwa,
A new interesting topic as usual, but let me start by saying that I like dating ladies that are older than I am( I mean at least 3 years older), although I am an average looking guy, and I have another dimension to what is being said, but the main reason was that older ladies are very calm from inside and I am a hyper person, I need a lady in my life to calm me down, especially that what attracts me to a woman is the way she thinks and acts. Although a man should coat his lady, many times a woman should be able to put up with a man’s childish mind and put up with his savage, sea like thinking, and I must mention that many women really do look to younger men as boy toys, and not for a real commitment, close to an “open relation” designed with phony facts.
Nidal

Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

a shocking post as usual dear :)

i cant claim that i have been through this, for several reasons:
- maybe cause i look at least 5 years younger than my real age ...

- or maybe cause i don't give young guys a chance to approach but within certain limits

- or maybe i cant find anything interesting in a younger immature guy !!! i always appreciate and attracted to smart mature conversation ...

mmmm i dunno

but all in all i like the post, and the list one of your students writes, very analytical and comprehensive :)

Rafik Nakhla said...

Very nice piece, I tend to agree with Eyad's analysis, however doesn't the same happen a young girl dating an older man, although the reasons annd motives are different but lets face it we consider it natural,but when it is reversed it becomes a topic for discussion.
The basic motive is mating in both case.

Rafik Nakhla said...

are you applying sensorship again?

shaymaa said...

dear Dr.Marwa
what a draing topic.
i totally agree with Dr.Eyad.
i want to ask you a question. you said in the first few lines in your article that you know why an older woman is attrackted to a younger guy.i couldn't understand the reasons that makes a mature, experinced and lovely lady think of being committed to a younger guy? i am 26 i am not committed but i never imagined myself in a reltion with someone younger than me. for the reasons that Dr.Eyad mentioned . Me as a female like to feel protected ,guided,loved&to have a man next to me to rely on him. i need someone to look after me. hold me when i am tired. weep away my tears not the opposite.
could you plz tell me why these women are attrackted to youmger men?

Easily Bruised said...

Although I didn't finish reading it and I don't know how it will end, but I recommend that you read "Impossible" by Danielle Steel. Maybe you will find some answers to your fabulous article. Keep the good work. Me :)

Anonymous said...

Can you not ferret out the truth of the words of these guys. Men will say anything to get in bed. The truth is men will seek out relations with older women for the following reasons.

-Low self esteen.
-Being sexually aroused and active but not finding another current outlet.
-The thought that older women will be less demanding and EASIER. That reads less playing around and more playing in.

The exceptions to these rules are when a woman is less than 35 years old and looks good or less than 42 and looks exceptionally beautiful.

Do not take pickup crap and half baked reasons for the truth.

Dragos.

Marwa Rakha said...

Well Mohamed, I guess I have been your instructor for a few semesters now but you never got to know the real me:)

Marwa Rakha said...

Thank you Nidal for your comment ... dating an older lady seems to be a fantasy that many guys have ... I hope you get to meet someone your age who has the qualities of older ladies and the benefits of a younger one:)

Marwa Rakha said...

Dear Trapped Soul:) I am glad I still manage to shock you:) Younger guys are like a snack for someone who is not really hungry - I hope men do not find my metaphor offensive:)

Marwa Rakha said...

Yes Dr. Rafik .... let's just say that an age gap above or below is not a good thing

Marwa Rakha said...

Hello Shaymaa,

An older woman is attracted to younger guys because they make her feel in control and totally loved. If you want to know more, read my article titled My ToyBoy Nightmare.

Now I need to give you a piece of advice ... there are no guarantees in relationships - not with older guys and not with younger guys.

"protected ,guided,loved&to have a man next to me to rely on him. i need someone to look after me. hold me when i am tired. weep away my tears not the opposite."

This statement is a lot to ask of a man ... it is like a man having to breathe for you and for him.

Marwa Rakha said...

Easily Bruised ... I miss you so much ... so so much xx

Marwa Rakha said...

Dragos, why are you lashing out at me?

Anyway, thank you for your enlightening comments - as though I needed to know that a man would say anything to get in bed with a girl.

As for your exceptions ... that does not even apply ... I am almost 33 and I do not look it but still, with younger guys I feel the gap ... as I said in one of my replies above ... Younger guys are for snacking purposes.