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Thursday, January 15, 2009

Blogging Inside Out

I can't sleep ... I have not slept well since Monday, 29 December 2008. Why? Because I had a show on Nile FM 104.2 and Erin Fleming asked me about my resolutions for 2009 and I proudly stated that I am planning to get married in 2009. The SMS board and my facebook wall were all congratulations and questions about who the lucky guy was and again with that same determined tone of mine I said that there was no guy but I was going to "attract" one. I was neither faking nor bluffing ... I know that I want to settle down and I want to have kids - yes yes .. I finally said it ... I want to have kids.

I said the same resolution on two other shows and I was still full of that new year new life new beginning spirit. I decided that to attract the right man and I have been working on it for a year now. The anger was gone once I published my book, the rebellion resided once I moved into my new house, the insecurities faded away with the rise of my media career, and positivity filled me inside out. For the first time in my life I am ready to give and to receive love.

So what went wrong?
Victim one: I do not want to pass his genes to my kids ... he was perfect but something about his genetic code put me off. I know how horrible that sounds ... I look like this tiny little girl but I have the senses of a female predator ... my basic instincts are scary ... they scare me ... I scare me. The guy was the right age, mind, character, beliefs, and above all he had feelings for me ... now someone please tell me what this genetic code thing means ... I was not trying to sabotage the marriage but this female predator rejected him for a reason that my mind cannot comprehend. He reminded me of an ex.

Victim two: he sounded nice until he said that he was the jealous type. I asked him what was it about me that made him feel jealous and he replied that it was the posts people leave on my wall. Red lights flashed before my eyes ... I am just starting ... I am nowhere even close to where I want to be and there comes a guy who was jealous of facebook friends. I snoozed the alarm then he asked another stupid question ... he asked me if I was a virgin ... my reply was "that is a stupid question ... find out for yourself". Curtains down ... no way. He reminded me of someone.

Victim three: Yes in two weeks, I have three victims. He emailed me after one of my shows and I emailed him back ... after a couple of back and fourth emails we talked on the phone. From our email exchanges, I felt that he has the Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome and I decided that it was too early to tell. After our second phone call, he sent me a message that had "warm lips" in it. My eyes spotted those two words and I saw nothing else of the message. I was disgusted. If you know me well, I am anything but puritanical and those of you who know me really well, I am a flirt. So what happened? Distance. Emotional distance. I felt invaded. Here is a stranger talking about my lips using a cheap cliché Here is a man who knows nothing about signs and patience. I assure you that I was not flirty and I did not entrap him. He just used an overused pickup line. I could not get myself to reply to his message or any other message that I received from him afterwards. He reminded me of a friend.

Now I feel pressure. I am an achiever. I know how to set goals and I know how to meet my deadlines. I never doubted myself or my capabilities. I am trying to push the image of failure out of my head.

My head .. this is where the real problem lies. In my head I cannot see myself married. I cannot see a man permanently in my life. Many years ago I was seeing this man and it was serious. After a month I began having nightmares. At times, I used to see myself chopping him into little pieces, at other times I would throw his clothes off the balcony one piece at a time and watch it fly in the air, and the worst one was when I killed him and left him to dry out and rot in the sun.

I sought relief in homeopathy. The practitioner told me that I have a commitment phobia and some other phobia of restraints. I do not want to be tied down. I cannot follow. I will not obey. Most of my dreams were related to incidents where he said "No" ... No! Do not go out! No! Do not wear that. No! I do not want you to be friends with this or that person. No! I do not agree to this or accept that.

For fear for his life and my sanity, we broke up and I never allowed anyone to come that close ever again. In my head I am the boss of me. I have been on my own for the past 8 years. I literally report to no one. I am fully accountable for all my choices and decisions. I have never involved anyone in my life. I flew high and lost touch with solid ground.

Sandmonkey tells me that I have realized all the goals on my checklist and that this is my only failure. Ironic, huh? This one failure has contributed more that anything else to my career:) - that was a smirk.

So yes I cannot sleep ...


Asser Mattar said...

I think that the only way to overcome this is to find a new writing subject other than victims, and don't worry about losing yourself. It would still be you but writing with a new pen.

Who is not afraid of committment? But it varies from one person to another, and for different reasons too. In my opinion your fear is not personal as much as your fear of changing the rebellious image of yours. You feel that you are betraying yourself if everything goes well :) And forget about our "serial killer" theory. Am I right?

Marwa Rakha said...

Nop .. not right:)

You are talking about you not me:)

Fantasia said...

I don't believe you have a fear of commitment, dear. I guess it is fear of divorce. I can totally understand those symptoms once I spot them, coz you got a fellow phobic here.

People may think we are wanna-have-it-alls.. Some kind of wild wild women, like the Carmen prototype. They easily mistake us for selfish women who consider themselves above the world. The princesses in their high towers, daring superheros to show they're good enough for them, only to mock whoever falls into this category and expose his shortcomings mercilessly.

In fact, it is the total opposite. We are deadly romantic. We are so fragile inside. We are willing to make a huge investment in a meaningful relationship, and that is why we fear failure, although we are sober enough to know that shit happens, and that life offers no guarantees. Divorce is always an option, that's why we don't panic at the thought of a lifelong commitment.

However, the thing is.. we WANT a lifelong commitment! We feel we deserve it. We have got what it takes to pull this off. But that's because we trust ourselves. Involving another partner is the risky business here. Just how far are you willing to trust another person with such a major responsibility?

Check out what happens on the political scene, for instance.. Countries can't trust one another. The result? Disaster.. innocent people paying the price for power struggles that would not have been there only if trust in the other was absolute.

Commitment is not easy. And yes, you will be forced to make compromises. And yes, there will be times when you will badly regret ever getting yourself to be tied down in such a way. The thing is knowing precisely how much you are willing to part with in order to receive what (you believe) life won't be complete without.

Having kids is not a good reason to get married. You have to find the one who will be able to make you wish to make babies with him in a perfect genetic mix. (And yes, "genetic code" makes perfect sense.) Sadly though, it does not work the other way round.

I've seen people who have had 2 and 3 marriages, and they are totally fine and happy. But you're not that kind. You wanna seal the knot, in the full sense of whatever that means. This is not a fear of commitment. It is the exact opposite.i

Innate_Inanenuss said...

Hey marwa,

mmm I wanna leave a comment but donno what to say. Just wanted declare my existence here.

Well Good luck.

I think my blog is worth reading too. La2 am sure of that.

Innate_Inanenuss said...

Hey marwa,

mmm I wanna leave a comment but I actually have currently nothing to say. I just wanna declare my following of ur blog her. I love ur type of women. Challenging brainy and sexy. Good luck.

I think my blog is worth reading too. La2 am sure of it.

Marwa Rakha said...


You do not need to say anything .. thank you for stopping by:)

I am interested in your "other" blog