WE ARE FLAWED

Since God knows when, I have been told over and over that human beings are God's most perfect creation; that we are His favorite creature, that we were created in the best form, that we were blessed with the power of logical thinking, and that we are accountable for our actions. I used to adamantly believe in the perfection of the human race until recently when I came to the conclusion that we are God's most flawed creatures ... we are like a software full of glitches ... a machine with a an outdated manual ... we are flawed!

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Marwa Rakha for Campus Magazine (September 2009)

A RELATIONSHIP IS BAD FOR YOU WHEN ...

CAMPUS Article: August 2009:

A RELATIONSHIP IS BAD FOR YOU WHEN ...

50 SIGNS THAT TELL YOU CLEARLY TO WALK AWAY!

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Marwa Rakha: Campus Magazine

I wrote some controversial articles for Campus:

WANTED: A FATHER FOR MY CHILD

I GAVE YOU A MONTH!

MARRIAGE = LEGAL PROSTITUTION

Drifting Apart

Let's Play Hide & Seek - Where do unhappy people go?
A Hell of a Marriage
Is Pre-marital Sex for you?
Rebound Relationships: Are you on the rebound? Or are you a Rebound?
What if the SEX is not Good?
I am not a Virgin
The Call
Hey you … yes you!
ALLERGIC TO THE F-WORD!
HUH?
How Secure is Secure

and MORE

Marriage = Legal Prostitution

According to the Theorem of Pythagoras

If Prostitution = Sex for money
If Prostitution = Sex for food
If Marriage = Legal sex for money
If Marriage = Legal sex for food

therefore

Marriage for sex = Legal Prostitution
Marriage for food = Legal Prostitution
Marriage for money = Legal Prostitution
Marriage = Prostitution

Q.E.D.

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Marwa Rakha: Updates

Hi again everyone:)

I have been so busy lately and my life has been great ... let me tell you what I have been doing

Latest News:
A New Service - خدمة جديدة
Click here to watch the pilot episode of my new program Tadweena تدوينة

Marwa Rakha with Hussein Fahmy on Al Hayat Channel

Marwa Rakha on Al Jazeera International

Marwa Rakha's Poison Tree on Channel 2

مروة رخا على القناة الثانية برنامج زينة تتحدث عن كتاب شجرة السم، و كتاب أنا عايزة أتجوز لغادة عبد العال و كتاب اكتشف نصفك الآخر للدكتورة هبة ياسين

Marwa Rakha on Channel 2 (Women and Leadership) - Part 1

Marwa Rakha on Channel 2 (Women and Leadership) - Part 2

Marwa Rakha on Channel 2 (Women and Leadership) - Part 3

مروة رخا و مدحت عبد الهادى و شريف مندور و شرين دعبس على القناة الثانية برنامج زينة و حلقة عن دور المرأة فى القيادة و صلاحيتها لهذا الدور

Marwa Rakha on Dream TV (Arabic) - Part 1

Marwa Rakha on Dream TV (Arabic) - Part 2

مروة رخا على قناة دريم مع فاتيما و عمرو صالح .. الحب ... الغريزة .. كيمياء الحب

All my post on Global Voices Online

Egypt: Cleanliness Day on April 10

Egypt: Should rapists be hanged on TV?

Egypt: April 18 Declared Anti-Harassment Day

Egypt: Baha'is attacks spark outcry

Egyptian Baha'is under attack

Egypt's First Adult Graphic Novel on Trial

Is Egypt on the verge of a cultural revolution?

Egypt: Women turn to the Internet to fight taboos

and MORE

Interesting Links:
Some people care for what I have to say: The Interviews section on marwarakha.com is working .. have a look
My book The Poison Tree - planted & grown in Egypt is now on Amazon .... spread the word:)
Buy The Poison Tree on Amazon.com
Click here: I uploaded my interview on Nile Life برنامج كل ليلة
Click here: I uploaded my interview on Dream TV برنامج شبابيك

Mark your calendars

Every Monday ... I am on After Dark with Erin on Nile FM 104.2 from 10pm to 12midnight (Email me your problems or suggestions). Show is in English and you can listen to us live on http://www.nilefmonline.com/

Every Sunday & Wednesday ... I am on Radio Horytna with Yassmin Yassin from 6pm to 7pm (Email me your problems or suggestions). Show is in Arabic and you can listen to us live on http://www.horytna.net/

I wrote some controversial articles for Campus:

Let's Play Hide & Seek - Where do unhappy people go?
A Hell of a Marriage
Is Pre-marital Sex for you?
Rebound Relationships: Are you on the rebound? Or are you a Rebound?
What if the SEX is not Good?
I am not a Virgin
The Call
Hey you … yes you!
ALLERGIC TO THE F-WORD!
HUH?
How Secure is Secure

مقالاتى لمجلة احنا

إناء الكيتش نضح بما فيه
أنا ولد و باتكسف من خيالى
أحمد زى الحاج أحمد
الراجل
انشفى يا ليلى
عزيزى الرجل الشرقى ...أنا اُفضل أن أكون عشيقتك مش مراتك
خبيرة العلاقات العاطفية تعلن إنها ملهاش فى العلاقات العاطفية
جوزى بيقول عليكى ضد الشرع و الدين
عيب والله العظيم عيب
هاطلع من هدومى
الغباء العاطفى و العياذ بالله
و كأنى كنت حامل و سقطت
نصائح لكل مواطن هـ "يشطـّب" شقته
مش كل كلام الكبار صح و مش كل كلامهم غلط ... اهلى كانوا صح لما قالوا و كانوا غلط لما قالوا
فوبيا الارتباط بامنا الغولة او بابو رجل مسلوخة
أخى المواطن .... احترس من هذه المرأة
ضل رجل ولا ضل حيطة
مصر: الشعب ضد البلد

On the pages of What Women Want, I sent a few letters to a few men ... feel free to copy:)

Dear MAN - You are Mine!
Dear MAN - Where are you?
Dear MAN - You are a clown
Dear MAN - My name is Laila
Dear MAN ... I want to hurt you
Dear MAN ... I love you
Dear MAN ... I left you
Dear MAN ... I need my space
Dear MAN ... I miss you

I hope you enjoy my articles for Identity Magazine

Ask Marwa: I want to die (Virginity again)
Ask Marwa: Was it love?
Ask Marwa: My mom is prettier than I am
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you ... weep and you weep alone
Ask Marwa: My mom is driving me crazy
My attempt at an Ethical Will
Searching for Laila's Identity (Kolena Laila Initiative)
Things Couples SHOULD NOT Take for Granted
DID YOU JUST GET DUMPED?
ENVY – THE ULCER OF THE SOUL
Say "NO" ... while you still can!

I would also like to invite you to listen to my Arabic radio progam بحب فيك ايه

What do I Love about you? Episode 37 (Arabic Radio) بحب فيك انك محترم/ة

What do I Love about you? Episode 36 (Arabic Radio) حلقة خاصة مع أمل محمود و كتابها علشان السنارة تغمز

What do I Love about you? Episode 35 (Arabic Radio) أهمية الضحك لنجاح الحب

What do I Love about you? Episode 34 (Arabic Radio) الذكاء العاطفى

What do I Love about you? Episode 33 (Arabic Radio) الغرور الكبر

What do I Love about you? Episode 32 (Arabic Radio) الشهامة و الجدعنة

What do I Love about you? 31st Episode (Arabic Radio) كوكتيل مشاكل

What do I Love about you? 30th Episode (Arabic Radio) النضج العاطفى
What do I love about you? 29th Episode (Arabic Radio) التضحية
What do I love about you? 28th Episode (Arabic Radio) الاعتذار
What do I love about you? 27th Episode (Arabic Radio) كيمياء الحب
What do I love about you? 26th Episode (Arabic Radio) عيد الحب
What do I love about you? 25th Episode (Arabic Radio) الجنون
What do I love about you? 24th Episode (Arabic Radio) مشاكل المستمعين
What do I love about you? 23rd Episode (Arabic Radio) التفاهم و الفهم
What do I love about you? 22nd Episode (Arabic Radio) الأحلام المشتركة
What do I love about you? 21st Episode (Arabic Radio) الاحساس بالامان
What do I love about you? 20thEpisode (Arabic Radio) الاعتناء بالنفس
What do I love about you? 19th Episode (Arabic Radio) كوكتيل مشاكل
What do I Love about you? 18th Episode (Arabic Radio) المشاركة
What do I Love about you? 17th Episode (Arabic Radio) احلام السنة الجديدة
What do I Love about you? 16th Episode (Arabic Radio) التسامح
What do I Love about you? 15th Episode (Arabic Radio) الصبر
What do I Love about you? 14th Episode (Arabic Radio) الكرم
What do I Love about you? 13th Episode (Arabic Radio) الاهتمام
What do I Love about you? 12th Episode (Arabic Radio) الصدق
What do I Love about you? 11th Episode (Arabic Radio) الاخلاص
What do I Love about you? 10th Episode (Arabic Radio) الرومانسية
What do I Love about you? 9th Episode (Arabic Radio) Open-minded?
What do I Love about you? 8th Episode (Arabic Radio) الانوثة و الرجولة
What do I Love about you? 7th Episode (Arabic Radio) الاعتماد على شريك حياتك
What do I Love about you? 6th Episode (Arabic Radio) الفخر بالحبيب
What do I Love about you? 5th Episode (Arabic Radio) الاحتواء
What do I Love about you? 4th Episode (Arabic Radio) الاحترام و التقدير
What do I Love about you? 3rd Episode (Arabic Radio) الصراحة
What do I Love about you? 2nd Episode (Arabic Radio) الثقة
What do I Love about you? 1st Episode (Arabic Radio) فارس الاحلام و فتاة الاحلام
Happy Relationships (Arabic Radio) السعادة
I have no self confidence (Arabic Radio) مشاكل الثقة فى النفس
I am not a Virgin (Arabic Radio) العذرية
Dear Man: I refuse to be your wife; I would rather be your mistress (Arabic Radio) عزيزى الرجل الشرقى افضل ان اكون عشيقتك
Stop Stalking the Guy (Arabic Radio) مطاردة الراجل
I am single and over 30 in Egypt (Arabic Radio) عانس
Jealousy, Doubt, and lack of Confidence (Arabic Radio) الشك و الغيرة
Egyptian Women - Cheating (Arabic Radio) ليه الست بتخون
Egyptian Men - Cheating (Arabic Radio) ليه الراجل بيخون
Fake it until you Make it - being a Good Girl in Egypt (Arabic Radio) هاتى رجله
Internet Dating and Online Friendships among Egyptians (Arabic Radio) علاقات النت
How Egyptian Girls lose a Guy in 10 Days (Arabic Radio) ليه الراجل بيطفش
My Heart is Aching and Breaking - on Breakups (Arabic Radio) بعد الفراق
Egyptian Traditions and Taboos (Arabic Radio) اصول مش اصول

A Hell of a Marriage

Back in March 2007, I wrote here – on that very same page – on the issue of early divorces:

The men and women who shared with me their sob stories are victims of our society. The double standards that they are brought up to adopt create what we call in business, an execution gap. There is a big void between where we really are and where we want to be; what we want and what we have; how we feel and how we act. We drown in an abyss of deluding illusions, unrealistic expectations, fake emotions, consuming demands, and the inevitable frustration. We get married for the wrong reasons; we mistake lust for love and confuse stability with stagnation. Mothers are over protective as though they want to suck us back into their wombs. Fathers discriminate between their sons and daughters. Women do not practice what they preach; they sing to the deaf ears of their male counterparts. Men do not meet the promises they make; they play to the sensitive tunes of the female vulnerability. Traditions, manners, taboos, and religion mix in one melting pot that defines stereotyped outlines for our ideal character and our perfect mate. We are dictated the answers to all the quizzes but we are left to face the final tests alone – we fail with flying colors.

Are there “wrong” reasons for marriage? No!

Read why and how

Is Pre-marital Sex for you?

Why do people care about what I think when it comes to their virginity - their very own virginity? Why do they care if I am for or against premarital sex? Why do they keep asking me about my beliefs? Why do they attack me personally when they disagree with my ideas?

I am sick and tired of people telling us what to do. I am trying hard to avoid turning into one of those people who dictate what is right and what is wrong - and people follow. My mission in life is to get you to think. Yes! You! I neither want to take decisions on your behalf nor do I want you to blame me for the consequences of your actions. I do not want to be dragged along on your guilt trips.

Stop asking me the wrong questions ... it is not about me or what I believe in ... it is about you and what you can handle. So here is my attempt at helping you decide which paths to take and which to avoid.

Take the quiz

Rebound Relationships: Are you on the rebound? Or are you a Rebound?

I caught myself guilty of a series of rebound relationships and the worst part was that I had no idea that I was rebounding. Here I am emotionally drained and mentally consumed sharing with you my two cents on rebounds. I pulled out all my "rebound files" and put my analytical skills into action.

What is a rebound?
A rebound is a relationship that is supposed to stop, or help you escape, the pain of another relationship - call it a painkiller, a band aid, or a quick fix.

When?
Usually it is right after, or at the very end of, a relationship that went, or is going, belly up. Like taking a pain killer before going to the dentist for fear of toothache after the visit, more vulnerable people start their rebound relationship as a precautionary measure.

Why?
1) A bruised ego
If you feel that you have been dumped or rejected, the ideal solution would be to embark on another relationship to prove to your ex, and to yourself, that you are desirable and that one man's poison is another man's gain.

READ MORE on Rebounds

What if the SEX is not Good?

Male voice: Hello, is that Marwa Rakha?
Me: Yes! Who is that?
Male voice: A ... I have a problem.
Me: Sure, how can I help?
A: I have been married for six months and I hate my wife. I hate how she walks and talks. I made a mistake and I want to get a divorce.
Me: Ok ... slow down and start from the start.
A: I am 25 and she is 22. I met her through friends. She was a nice polite girl. We dated for a few months. I proposed. We got married. We live with my mother.
Me: Why do you hate her?
A: She is SLOW ... too damn slow!
Me: What do you mean by "slow"? (That was a first for me)
A: She wakes me up every morning to go to work. I sit in bed and watch how slow she is preparing my breakfast, ironing my shirt, fetching my bag, and giving me my lunch basket.
Me: Go on! (I hated the guy ... but I held my peace)
A: I come home from work and I watch how slow she is preparing lunch or dinner. I even told her to learn from my mom but she is still not good at anything. She takes forever to bring me something. It is like having a useless turtle at home.
Me: Did you tell her how you felt about her?
A: Yes ... I even told her that when I go out with my friends I flirt and I am willing to have a relationship.
Me: How is the sex?
A: Excuse me?!
Me: How is the sex?
A: This is embarrassing!
Me: I need to know the answer.
A: BAD.
Me: Are you satisfied?
A: Of course not!
Me: Is she satisfied?
A: Of course!
Me: How do you know?
A: I know ... I am a man. Can you stop the questions and tell me what to do?!

This is just one example of the problems that I deal with almost on daily basis. I know that sex and any sex-related topics are very sensitive issues and I also know that there are people out there waiting for me to make a mistake and declare that I am pro pre-marital sex. Tough luck! I will not!

Read More

I am not a virgin (Campus Magazine - October Issue)

I clarified in my earlier writings that in the eyes of God males and females are judged on the same criteria and I have always wondered about our society and how it applauds something when it is done by one gender and then condemns that very same thing when it is done by the other gender knowing that all religions forbade that thing. I never understood how a man could choose a lie over the truth and how God's most favored creature could be so ruthless and judgmental when it came to his female counterpart. This dilemma has pushed girls to extremes; those who have complete sexual relations with the exception of intercourse, those who have "backdoor" sex, and those who have hymen reconstruction surgeries.

Here is my reply to the all the girls who lost their virginity and cannot move on:

I want you to understand that you are not alone and I also want you to understand that it is also not the end of the world.

1) Losing your virginity does not mean that you are a slut

2) Having sex with a man you love makes you human - nothing less and nothing more.

3) We live in a society that loves lies and is in love with liars ... you are better than them ... way better.

4) God is not a God of hatred and punishment ... God is loving and forgiving ... God does not look at your outside ... veil or no veil is not the question ... God looks at your inside and at your actions ... do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

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The Call

I don't understand. Is it me? Have I not been clear about this? How many times do I have to repeat that I am not into politics? What is it about me or my writings that could rock "their" boat? I am simply a middle class Egyptian girl, who wants to see Egypt a better place. Whether I am talking about relationships and their mess, taboos and their backwardness, society and its hypocrisy, men and their mazes, women and their shortcomings, people and their ignorance, streets and their hazards, or laws and their utter lack of sense - I am talking about the same thing ... I am talking about Egypt.

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Hey you .. yes you!!!

Hey you ...
Yes you ...
My dear reader ...
Please do not get offended ...
Please forgive me for what I am about to say ...
I am writing this article because of you ...
I am mad at you ...
Sitting there flipping though the pages of this magazine ...
Why do I always see you defeated in my dreams?
Why do you always come to me on mute?
Why do you always move in slow motion?
I am so angry at you for watching in silence as the world goes by.


I dreamt that you were checked into a hospital and in my dream you had neither power to talk nor strength to walk. You could see, hear, and feel everything but you had no voice ... you could not say no to what they were going to do to you. On that bed you lay and there comes the pious doctor with his blade ... I could see you trying to resist ... trying to say that this procedure was against your will and beliefs ... you were trying to break free ... but yes you had no voice. In a minute of eternity, colored in shades of pain, tears, and silent screams, you were cut ... your womanhood was mutilated forever. May you rest in peace! Hey you ... yes you ... How have you supported incriminating the practice of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) whereby the parents as well as the doctors should get punished?

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ALLERGIC TO THE F-WORD!

On MSN - One Friday morning

My friend: Are you afraid of f***ing?
Me: I can't f***
My friend: We all f***
Me: Not me
My friend: F***ing is only human
Me: Nop! F***ing is a human option but it is not inevitable
My friend: It could still happen
Me: I will not allow it to happen ... I am allergic to the F-word!!

(My friend logs out)

READ MORE

HUH?

I am speechless.
My face is expressionless.
My eyes are wide open.
My mind is blank.
I am guilty of despair.
In my book despair is a deadly sin.
Facebook is to blame … I am still speechless!
Why? I will tell you why!

Because of my long history of writing about relationships, men, women, and society, because of my book, and because of my TV appearances, I have earned a place to be coveted in a lot of peoples’ hearts. People come to me for advice or to vent, and they know that I will never judge them no matter how ugly or horrible their story turns out to be. I needed to listen to their ailments to cure mine - But there was a price.

Willingly, I had to give up my privacy; my facebook account, my mobile number, my home phone, and at times my home itself. I cannot ignore a friend request from someone I did not know because I chose to be down to earth and accessible. A lot of people appreciated and respected my decision and ended up being my support group and online friends. Other people ended up being writing material.

READ MORE

How Secure is Secure

Sunday 6 April - 7:45 PM - mom calls
Mom: Are you home?
Me: Yes
Mom: Why did you say this on OTV?
Me: Say what?
Mom: Your publisher was kidnapped ... in prison ... no second chances ... you are talking about politics!!!!!!!!
Me: Me? Politics? I talked about a man who was kidnapped under his building and his fiancée had no clue where he was.
Mom: This is just none of your business ... now I am worried about you.
Me: Don't worry ... I did not do anything wrong.
Mom: If they come and take you ... who should I call?
Me: (Laughter)

9:15 PM - mom calls
Mom: Are you home?
Me: Yes
Mom: Ok ... take care.

11:00 PM - mom calls
Mom: Are you home?
Me: (Annoyed) Yes!
Mom: Ok ... good night.

2:00 AM - mom calls
Mom: Are you home?
Me: (Shouting) Where do you think I will be?
Mom: (Crying) I have no clue!

Continue Reading

Relationship Warning: Do not get involved with Egyptian Men!

Because of the nature of my work in the tourism sector, I am used to hearing that this or that country has issued a travel warning to its citizens who plan on traveling to Egypt, especially in the aftermath of an attack. Naturally, most warnings address safety and security issues, and some warnings dedicate a section or two to hygiene and harassment. Lately, and because of the increasing number of divorces, custody issues, and domestic violence cases, some countries warn their women from Egyptian men. Yes, they tell them clearly not to get emotionally involved or legally committed to an Egyptian man!

I did not just make that up. I got it first hand from a European woman who is living in Egypt, was married to an Egyptian man, has a son, and is currently divorced. “He swept me off my feet with his sweet words, compliments, attentive gestures, romance, and warmth; he was a god compared to European men, who are often distant, reserved, and not very emotional. I fell in love with him like never before. Bit by bit, I began opening up too and, against my better judgment, I gave up all my defenses. In three months, he asked me to marry him, and in my culture this is a very serious step. I translated his proposal as the epitome of love and I gladly accepted.”

I listened to Sandy and I knew exactly how she felt when she first met “her hero”. I know how it feels to jump in a jar of honey thinking of how sweet it would taste and how rich and overwhelming it would feel, only to get your hair tangled in its stickiness and eventually you drown in its suffocating viscosity. I asked Sandy to continue narrating her experience and she told me that his family was against the marriage; “they told him that I was loose and that he should get married to a virgin. They warned him that I would corrupt his children and reminded him that I was from a different religion. His mother hated how I dressed no matter how modest. All my attempts at communication failed but I was heads over heels in love with him to read the warning signs. He assured me that he loved me and that he was not willing to give up his soul mate.”

Her eyes welled as she told me her story. I tried to be as empathetic as possible but I was growing angrier by the minute. I naturally assumed that her guy was a lowlife Egyptian male parasite who wanted a way out of the country or easy sex. Because un-Egyptian women are not as class conscious, they miss out on all the “low-class” signals that his body language, address, grooming, verbiage, phonetics, and interests give away. I was wrong! “He is an AUC graduate and the descendant of one of the biggest families in Egypt. He had the looks, the manners, the class, the charm, and the money. He was so open-minded and understanding – I have never met anyone who was as perfect.” Sandy corrected me.

I was more than curious to know what could go wrong with such a compatible intercultural union. “We got married amongst his friends. His family did not attend but this was natural in my country; we were two responsible adults and we were in charge of our life-altering decisions. After marriage, he began changing; suddenly he had hurtful comments about my wardrobe, more hurtful comments about my public demeanor, and … he hit me! He told me that he loved me but suddenly his love began suffocating me. I realized that I got married to a very jealous possessive insecure spoilt violent person!”
Again I identified with every word she said. I KNOW our men! I asked Sandy about the frequency and the intensity of the jealousy fits and the violence attacks and she told me that it became on daily basis; “the tender loving caring man that I fell in love with disappeared. I was stuck with a person who mastered ignoring me, and when he looked at me, he told me that I was ugly and needed plastic surgery.” With her long golden locks tied back in a ponytail, Sandy was looking at me with deep blue eyes that rested on pink cheeks. She was flawless pretty! But I am fully aware of the self-esteem blows that our men know how to perfectly aim.

After a year of suffering and utter misery, Sandy got a divorce … and a son! A single foreign mother in Egypt could be quiet traumatizing. I asked her why she did not go back to her country; she told me that her Egyptian god threatened to take away her son. To add a more dramatic denouement to this repetitive farce, Sandy told me that after their divorce, he got married to a veiled Egyptian girl and that he stopped sending her alimony. This was when she went to the embassy and that was when they told her “we told you so!”

Just writing about this topic clogs my arteries; seriously, I cannot breathe! Sandy and her story is the trigger behind this article but I have witnessed many other stories that started with “he was so sweet” and ended in “he hit me” or “he walked out on me” or “I hate Egyptian men”. Even the girls who were spared the marriage disaster still enjoyed a rough ride on the dating arena. Sandy told me that her countrymen could still bully their women and that they were far from perfect, but at least they were honest, straightforward, and took marriage seriously. Like many Egyptian girls, she felt that he cheated his way into her heart and that he tricked her into loving him. It was ironic though, how Sandy thought that Egyptian women were best equipped to deal with their men.

Move in or Move on

Sitting on a stone couch on the terrace of my soon-to-be home, I grew wings and soared high in the horizon. I enjoyed the sunset as the scent of orange blossoms filled my heart with joy and birds sang their prayers to a new dusk. A sense of achievement flowed through my veins and a happy tear twinkled in my eyes as I embraced my future. My mobile rang. She was a friend. I answered. After a stream of courteous greetings, my friend asked about my whereabouts, and I informed her that I was checking the paint colors at my new apartment. I embarked on an infinite rant about the beauty of everything I laid my eyes on until she caught me off guard with a question: Will your boyfriend move in with you? I met her question with silence followed by a need to go do a thing!

I was not offended by her question; I was just baffled – needless to say clueless. First, I was not sure which boyfriend she was referring to. Who has she seen me with? Who have I told her about? Who has been in my life long enough to be a boyfriend? Who does she think I love enough to share a home with? I honestly could not pin a face to her question. The second and main source of my confusion is the fact that I have never given that particular issue any thought. It is true that I have been living alone for the past five years but I have never considered it “home”. It was as though I borrowed someone’s car; I have to keep it clean, keep it safe, treat it with respect, and return it on time in perfect shape.

Now I own a home and one day I will have a boyfriend who will make it past the first month. What if he makes it past the first six months? It is one thing to come and visit and it is a totally different thing to move in with me. Bearing in mind that I am a very territorial person – territorial enough to pee allover my desk so no one would dare sit on it – and bearing in mind that I value space and privacy beyond any man I have ever known. Will I be willing to share? Will I welcome his clothes in my wardrobe? Will I be able to see his toothbrush next to mine in the bathroom? Will he have a key? Will he really move in with me?

Other than my space issues, there is a lot of social baggage that comes with such a situation. Like virginity, abortion, homosexuality, extramarital affairs, cohabitation is another taboo in our society; for a couple to live together they have to be married. They get to really know and understand one another after they are legally bound to one another - another instance of burying our heads in the sand and sweeping our dust under the carpet. I believe that this is a major factor that is ruining all my marriage and commitment attempts. Between cultural variations, personal differences, and individual perks, I find the idea of cohabitation rather appealing and logical.

When two people come together, they are not just who they are today; they represent their respective homes, schools, friends, peers, and groups with their attitudes, habits, beliefs, and needs. This is a lot of ironing to do in a relationship. How a person eats, talks, or walks is just the tip of the iceberg. The way one communicates with, reacts to, and feels about things and people is a wide enough gap to bridge. Hence, many love stories crash after marriage because he was not who she thought he was or because she was not the girl she said she was.

The idea of sharing is in itself frightening; who is to do what? Assigning roles and responsibilities and trying to fulfill them over a long period of time is like the prologue to a marriage. Is he responsible? Is she reliable? Is he stingy? Is she a control freak? Is he too organized? Is she beyond sloppy? There is no other way to find out. Living with someone is not just about the sexual part of the relationship; it brings out the mental and emotional dimensions to the foreground and the day to day dealings are the real test of the success or the failure of the relationship.

Moving in together does not mean that one partner is hosting the other at his home – responsibility free. I am walking the whole nine yards here; electricity, water, gas, maintenance, food, and the rest of the bills. I am speaking about chores, tasks, duties, compromises, and adapting. How hard would it be for a man to move into my house and be reminded every second that this is “my house” and he is not entitled to anything? How hard would be for a woman – who is not me – to live with a man who treats her as a guest? How hard will it be to discuss the money issues and the other “embarrassing” issues? – I assure you it is much harder to talk about those things for the first time after the deal is sealed and signed.

I am also not claiming that jumping that hurdle is a guarantee that the relationship will last forever. People change and people grow in different directions; a couple could live together happily and get married, then after a year or two they could grow apart. Keeping a marriage intact is another story and it takes a lot of work on a different level; fighting redundancy and boredom that creep into the marriage requires two people who want to stay married and are willing to work to reap what they once sowed. In a way, it is much easier to reach the highest top than to stay on top.

I am not advocating brothels and turning one’s home into a full board motel; I am talking about a relationship that has grown and has developed into something solid and is worth investing in. At the same time, I am not promoting the notion of test driving the man; I am pushing the idea of test driving the marriage concept to that man. Having thought about it now, the “living together” phase is all good; if it works, then you will have a solid marriage with no nasty surprises because of how she looks when she wakes up or how he sounds when he goes to sleep. If it does not work, then you have saved yourself a rough marriage or an inevitable divorce.

Why put all your eggs in one basket!

Many a time have I written about relationships; our feminine mazes that confuse men and the masculine traps that capture our hearts. This is still by far the most difficult article I have ever written. I am about to advocate something that I have never believed in. Actually, I am on the verge of stabbing a deeply rooted belief in our multi-layered culture. The same girl that, given a chance, would have poisoned every man or woman who accepted getting into an open relationship - that very same girl - is about to cross out monogamous relationships and validate having multiple partners. To save face, I will refer to monogamy as “vertical relationships”, and “horizontal relationships” are to be synonymous with polygamy - I am still having psychological barriers with the word!

Let me start by defining the two terms. Vertical relationships mean that you are in a relationship with one person whom you get to know, understand, appreciate, and love by time. This is a type of relationships that involves a lot of trust, dependability, possessiveness, and depth. If you are in a vertical relationship, you invest deeply and seriously in the relationship and in the partner - you put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak. If that basket falls, your losses are countless. “Your eggs” in horizontal relationships are randomly distributed in several baskets; you do not place all your bets on one horse and your investments are diversified to secure you from bankruptcy. Horizontal relationships are neither fake nor superficial; they are just not deep enough to cause serious damage should someone try to pull your tooth out.

Like my multiple careers, I began juggling multiple partners. I have always complained of the scarcity of good men, yet I found myself attracted to four men at the same time. They have nothing in common but me. I have grown to like them as individuals and to appreciate what each one brings into my life. The intensity that used to ruin my previous vertical relationships is now working in favor of my horizontal relationships. To the four, I am never too available, too focused, too critical, or too demanding simply because what one man lacks the other fulfills and I feel loved and cared for all the time. Moreover, when one man slouches, instead of reprimanding him, as I used to, I would just give more room for the other three to fill in the void that was left behind – and there is room for more.

But before you go ahead and embark on one of those awesome horizontal relationships, you need to know the pros, the cons, and the rules. I have spent enough time analyzing my new experience and I will gladly share with you my findings. Uphill, you will never need to depend on the presence or absence of one person in your life. You will never feel lonely, bored, hurt, insulted, or cheated, and you will never have to spend another weekend alone. You will always have a date, and worst case scenario, you will always have an email, a text message, or a phone call to put a smile on your face. You will never look like a famished Somali kid in front of an open buffet. Basically, you will be happy! Downhill, if you are not the organized type, you will suffer stress, overlapping schedules, exhaustion, and the wear and tear of your mind trying to cope with the constant change. If you are the melancholic type, you will long for the intimacy the builds up in vertical relationships. If you are the committed type, this will not work for you!

But if you want this to work, you must abide by the rules. Honesty is the first and foremost of all the rules; never lie about, or hide from, the fact that you are having multiple partners. Do as you would be done by – you are still an ethical person who does not step allover people in the name of horizontal relationships. Do not promise exclusivity when that is not the case. The second rule is an extension of the first rule; do not claim to enjoy horizontal relationships hoping to entrap a vertical partner. This strategy is doomed to backfire.

The backbone of this type of relationships is to truly, genuinely, and sincerely like your partners – all of them. This is not as easy as it sounds. Most of the time, people who are used to vertical relationships would like one partner and line up the others to fill in his shoes in case of absence or misconduct. This strategy is fatal; being with people you do not like, or with people you like half heartedly, will push you back forcibly into the arms of the one partner you like – and we all know how being clingy is inversely proportionate with being loved. Horizontal relationships are a great illustration of how the sum of the parts could be bigger than the whole; each one of your partners alone would make a wrong partner, but together their weaknesses seem to vanish with the sense of perfection they bring into your life.

I have always pleaded for equality, and it is only fair to remind you that you are free to come and go as you please and so are your partners. Every now and then you will feel a tingling sense of jealousy towards one of your partners but it is never as suffocating or as painful as the jealousy you feel towards your sole partner in vertical relationships. Were there a “flirting nerve” in our body, then this is the type of jealousy that triggers it. Horizontal relationships are, so far, liberating, fulfilling, pleasant, and they add a different flavor to each day. I broke the curse …. My men never lasted more than a month … my four men made it past the first month and some of them made it to two months … I am still experimenting with horizontal relationships and, as always, should I hit a brick wall, I will come back and spill my guts out ... until then … I will fly high.

I am half a woman!

Between the excitement of a new job and the weight of its big responsibilities, I found the time to meet up with my friend D one evening right after work. We were both run down but we were longing for the tête a tête girly chat. I seated myself in front of her, laid my exhausted body on the chair, and ordered all the comfort food on the menu. From the work round-up to the social gossip, we jumped from one topic to the other laughing and giggling like school girls at a slumber party. We suddenly stopped talking when the couple on the adjacent table received their check. The girl looked from the check to the ceiling and seemed to trace an invisible fly. Her partner looked at the check, hesitantly put his hand in his pocket, took two or three 10 pound bills, put them on the tray, and then pushed the tray – with the check – towards the girl with a cough – and probably a kick in her leg. The girl let go of her imaginary friend, looked at the check, curled her lower lip, threw a few more bills on the tray, and stood up. There was no eye-contact between them as she took her purse and sped up towards the door – the guy was two steps behind. D and I looked at one another and laughed.

“Do you think they will last?” I asked her innocently.
“He is half a man.” D replied with a solemn face.
“He did not do anything wrong” I said, “Sharing the bill is perfectly normal. They
both seem young and most probably he could not afford it.”

D totally disagreed with me; she told me that she would never respect a man who would let her pick up the check, or half of the check. D believed that if a man were to take a girl out on a date, or an outing, he has to be a man about it; “It is an honor for him to have the pleasure of her company and a real man would never let a girl pay a penny – especially if they were more than casual friends.” I was not sure what to think … I never gave that particular issue any thought. I have always felt obliged to reach out to my purse, even if the man said he would pay. Now that I am thinking about it, I tend to believe that somewhere deep down, I feel that if I did not share, I have somehow betrayed myself as though I am allowing him to buy part of me, not my dinner or lunch. D’s perspective runs deeper than that.

“A man should be responsible and a responsible man takes total and utter care of the needs of his woman.”
I interrupted D asking “Do those needs include her clothes, makeup, accessories, and other luxuries?”
“Yes of course!” D corrected me. “Let’s assume that I am married to a man, and we decided to travel, do you think I will pay for my ticket, accommodation, and food?”
I had no reply – I really never thought about it.
“If I want to throw a party for our family or friends, do you expect me to share?”
Again, I had a blank face.
“Do you think I should pay the electricity bill if he pays for the other utilities?”
“I guess it is normal” I finally replied “you do work after all.” I thought I had an argument until I heard her reply.
“I work for my own reasons, be it self actualization or entertainment, and no decent man will accept to take any of my money.”
I thought of my mom, and said “but it is your house and you are sharing.”
“Sharing? This is not fair! I am sharing his responsibilities but is he sharing mine?”
“In what sense?” I was not sure I was getting her point.
“A man should bring the money, put food on the table, pay the bills, and give me my pocket money. A woman, on the other hand, should make sure the money is well spent, the food on the table is cooked, the house is clean, the kids are brought up well, and the man is comfortable and taken care of. By sharing my salary, I am taking part of his load off his shoulders. Will he share my load too, or will he still expect to be served and obeyed?”
She saw my perplexed face and continued saying “most men nowadays want the woman to share his burdens along with her initial responsibility. If this was a company, and they were equal shareholders, using my logic, his share would be 25%. Now why would I want a man who is in this lifetime partnership with 25%? Why would I want to be with half a man?”
I resorted to the stuttering economy and the expensive cost of living saying “very few men now can take full care of the financial responsibilities. You might never get married D.”
“Let’s assume once again that I did not meet my Mr. Real Man, and let’s assume that I grew to like one of the current “half men”, then his shares in this partnership do not grant him neither a superior word nor an upper hand. It is only fair and natural that if he is half a man, he deserves half a woman.”
I had one last question for D “If you were to get married to a “real man” as per your classification, would you fully give in to his wishes and commands?”
“Give me examples” D exclaimed.
“If he does not want you to go out, or if he does not like an outfit, a friend, or anything you want to do, will you do as he says?” I seemed to gasp for air just thinking of the possibility of a man holding my reign.
“Yes … I will … He earned it and I owe it to him.” D concluded.

Ok then, I am half a woman … I want to have a higher vote … I do not want to owe this kind of obedience to a man … and please … please do not start the religion argument with me!

When the Apple is Ripe it will Fall

“I met someone” she said in a voice that lacked the buzz of a new relationship.
“But?” I asked knowing that there had to be a “but”.
“He is eight years younger!”

I understand why a woman my age, or older, could be attracted to someone who is younger, or much younger; yet, I failed to grasp the logic – if such a word exists – behind young men who willingly consensually freely choose to dive into a relationship with someone who is ten years older than he is. By a relationship I do not mean an affair, I am referring to a full fledged relationship that incorporates all the rules of Victorian courtship – the wining and dining, the meet my friends and meet your friends, the call me and call you, and the love you and miss you routines.

Almost 33, I am secretly growing more insecure in the presence of younger girls, but obviously I have competitive advantages that I am not aware of. I am no exception to this new perplexing rule; A, N, M, and H are four of my friends whose ages range from 37 to 47, and they are attracting guys who are at best 8 years younger. My last four attempts at dating were with guys whose ages ranged from 23 to 28. My Facebook account is bombarded with friend requests from a breed that is a decade younger than I am. My blog is piling up comments from angry bloggers who recently developed facial hair. Something is wrong!! How do we, older women, attract them - younger guys?

I am bad at guessing! I had to ask them! I needed to hack their little green brains and find out the answer. My classroom – there is no better place to start. Instead of a pop quiz in marketing, I handed them a piece of paper with one question and I gave them an hour to give me the answer that has been confusing the heck out of me. The question was: If you had a choice, would you rather date someone your age or, would you date me, or someone else, knowing that there is more or less ten years of difference in age? Why yes? Why no? The look on their faces was priceless! The silence that filled the room was louder than anything they would have said. They were looking at me for clarification and I gave them none. I told them that the clock was ticking and that I was serious.

In an hour the answer sheets were on my desk and I impatiently began checking their responses. There were some flattering comments about my eyes and smile and there were some semi-insulting comments about my temper and insanity. As I went deeper into their explanation my eyes grew wider in shock as I found out the major points of differentiation that make those guys favor ripe apples – as one student put it down. A combined list would say that we are more mature, independent, experienced, understanding, and appreciative of the little things young girls take of granted. We have careers and are busy with important and meaningful stuff. We are good listeners and we give good advice. The list goes on to highlight our graces; secure, intellectual, connected, and confident.

One student said that we do not ask silly questions and we do not get upset over stupid things like “Do you love me? Do I look good? Why didn’t you call? Where were you? Who’s that girl? Or I have a curfew, I cannot be seen with you, and let’s cruise.” Some guys said that being with an older woman will make younger women interested; “if I were to date you, young girls will be jealous and they will want to know what is so special about me that would make an icon like you go out with me. – I must be really mature and experienced to satisfy you.” Another student was very honest when he said “you will pick up the check all the time; this is the price you will pay for going out with a hot dude like myself – I mean you know I am young and I cannot afford your outings.” Several opinions shed light on expectations; “girls my age want to get married – not to me in particular, they just want to get married. You will not rush me into meeting your family and will not bother me with questions about the future. Older women are down to earth and they just want to live the moment.”

On the more aggressive side, a guy replied saying that “I like to think of it as a charitable act of goodwill. If being around someone who is going downhill would make her feel better, then so be it. I also enjoy how her younger female friends look at me. Some of them even flirt.” Another guy said that “behind their confident experienced façade, older women need to be held and touched. They need a sharp pencil – if you know what I mean (wink).” Outside the classroom, a blogger told me, face to face, that older women are just a phase “I am learning and gaining experience so I will be ready for a girl my age. Being with her makes me feel so grown up but there will be a time when I go back in the time machine to my real age. It is never serious. There is an implicit deal between me and my girlfriend, if you want to call her so, that there is no happily ever after end to our relationship.”

I was visiting 37 year old divorced N a few months ago at her place and we were having the usual girl talks until she told me that her boyfriend is coming. I wanted to leave but she insisted that I met him. I asked her what he did for a living and she told me that he was an account executive in an agency. I then asked her how they met and she said that they had met online. I asked her if he was married, she laughed, and told me that he was 28. I knew that she was lonely and that her dating options were next to disgusting, and I could understand her reasons for dating a younger guy but I was super curious about his reasons especially when I saw him. He was well groomed, well spoken, well dressed, and well bred. I was too shy to ask him about his interest in my friend, so I waited till he was gone and I asked her to give me her best guesses for his motives.

She told me that he was fascinated by her day to day stories – the same stories that bored men her age. When it came to his personal or professional life, he found her advice indispensable. Plus of course the fact that she had her own place, lived alone, and was in touch with her feminine side. She told me that she offered him the comfort, space, and freedom that young girls could not provide. N would never ask him any question that started with why, when, who, where, how, what, how long, or how often. She is independent – mentally and emotionally – and with his monthly 3000 Egyptian Pounds, it is not likely that he could be entertaining any ideas of getting married soon. N was very comfortable analyzing his motives and was under no illusion that this could be love or that it could end up with something old, something new, or something borrowed and something blue.

A 28 year old guy was wooing me, and after I declared my age, he said with a huge smile on his face that women are like apples; the older they grow the riper they become. Sarcastic as usual, I said that ripe apples are bruised from the inside and have visible brown patches. I was a bit self conscious when I added that this was a sign that they were approaching their expiry date. My smart cookie said that those brown patches are sweeter, softer, more tender, and much tastier than the rest of the apple. I could not keep up with the witty conversation. I did like the puppy look in his eyes. I was falling, and ironically speaking, I resorted to the Irish proverb that says: When the apple is ripe it will fall!