I opened my eyes this morning and I did not feel right; deep down I did not feel ok. I stayed in bed, stared at the ceiling, then turned to look at my cell phone, and I had to make up my mind - work today or no work today? The thought of going to work today felt like not wanting to go to school when I was 12, the only difference here was that I did not need to come up with any excuses for my parents; I am a grown up now and I am in control.
Yes, control! How I love that word! I love being in control of my house from the movies I watch to what I put in the fridge; I love being in control of my time from my work commitments to my choices for social outings; I opted to drive to and from Alex (2 hours/way) on the same day on weekly basis because I needed to be in control of the speed, the music, the AC temperature, and the empty seat next to me.
Today I woke up and I wanted to give it all up; I am fed up, tired, down, and restless. I want to get married and dump the responsibilities that I have been shouldering on someone else. I want to stay home, maybe teach and write but I do not want any of the other stuff. I do not want to worry about bills, schedules, deadlines, and stupid people who try to fight me over how much control I have over how I get things done.
I woke up today on my feminine side; all warm loving, gentle, caring, passionate, and submissive. The masculine spirit of the fighter in me went for a walk and all what was left of me was a girl who wanted to be relieved. I proved to the whole world everything I wanted to prove and now I can just relax and move on with my life. Let men do their thing while I do mine.
So consider this an invitation ... an offer ... a request ... consider it anything - just marry me.
However, if you do not have a great career that could fulfill both of us, or if you are not handsome and well built, or if you can not keep up with my endless array of personas, or if you are not young, healthy, and happy, or if you can not comprehend my need for space, independence, and comfortable silence, or if you are not willing to work on common interests to keep us together, or if you freak out easily by my horrible openness, inner darkness, and quest for light, or if you do not love cats, curly hair, and pasta, or if ....
I am not so sure now that I want to get married ... I know that you will be like the others ... I know that I will never change ... I know that I cannot handover the helm ... I know that this is just hopeless ... No! I am hopeless ... will keep running.