I opened my eyes this morning and I did not feel right; deep down I did not feel ok. I stayed in bed, stared at the ceiling, then turned to look at my cell phone, and I had to make up my mind - work today or no work today? The thought of going to work today felt like not wanting to go to school when I was 12, the only difference here was that I did not need to come up with any excuses for my parents; I am a grown up now and I am in control.
Yes, control! How I love that word! I love being in control of my house from the movies I watch to what I put in the fridge; I love being in control of my time from my work commitments to my choices for social outings; I opted to drive to and from Alex (2 hours/way) on the same day on weekly basis because I needed to be in control of the speed, the music, the AC temperature, and the empty seat next to me.
Today I woke up and I wanted to give it all up; I am fed up, tired, down, and restless. I want to get married and dump the responsibilities that I have been shouldering on someone else. I want to stay home, maybe teach and write but I do not want any of the other stuff. I do not want to worry about bills, schedules, deadlines, and stupid people who try to fight me over how much control I have over how I get things done.
I woke up today on my feminine side; all warm loving, gentle, caring, passionate, and submissive. The masculine spirit of the fighter in me went for a walk and all what was left of me was a girl who wanted to be relieved. I proved to the whole world everything I wanted to prove and now I can just relax and move on with my life. Let men do their thing while I do mine.
So consider this an invitation ... an offer ... a request ... consider it anything - just marry me.
However, if you do not have a great career that could fulfill both of us, or if you are not handsome and well built, or if you can not keep up with my endless array of personas, or if you are not young, healthy, and happy, or if you can not comprehend my need for space, independence, and comfortable silence, or if you are not willing to work on common interests to keep us together, or if you freak out easily by my horrible openness, inner darkness, and quest for light, or if you do not love cats, curly hair, and pasta, or if ....
I am not so sure now that I want to get married ... I know that you will be like the others ... I know that I will never change ... I know that I cannot handover the helm ... I know that this is just hopeless ... No! I am hopeless ... will keep running.
16 comments:
The grass is always greener... Unless you marry the perfect man for you, the one that can handle all your "if's", you're FAR better off with no ring on your finger; or it'll feel like a ring around your neck!
But seriously, why is the grass always greener?! Haga neela!
know it it is rather silly, but that day. did you go to work or stayed home?
Hello Marwa
you stated alot of IF's....but the real question is do you think if someone showed up and he fullfilled all of those IF's would you fall for him?Actually when someone fall in love with another does he/she know why?
I always had this debat in my mind....there is what you wish for,that you think it will make you happy if you have it and there is what happens in real life. I am old fashion and imaginary in this point....if you will fall for someone you will just fall regardless of anything else and it kind of happened with me, the whole thing was completly different of how i imagined it but it was nice and i was happy for a while...until i got hurt:) but it is ok i learned that too much fantasy can damage your reality...daydreaming is OK but don't gorget to wake up and enjoy your coffee...you will enjoy it although its bitter taste
Ya nilegirl ... the grass is always greener on the other side because we are distant; we are too far to see it's imperfections and flaws.
PS There is no perfect man:)
Hello S:)
I stayed home:)
Breath .. you touched a soft spot! I know for sure that when the man who meets my "ifs" comes, I will work hard to find more "ifs" that he will not be able to meet, then I will have another excuse to keep running ... sad but true!
She who hesitates is lost, in a swamp of hypothetical what if's.
The perfect man is an ideal, not reality. The perfect woman, one in the same.
Our pursuit of eudaimonia, is hampered by our preferential pleonexia.
Alas Marwa, live life, rather than pondering it.
The question isn't what you want in a man Marwa, nor is it what you need in one. It's what you deserve in one. We are always yelling and screaming about what we need and what we want, and we always ignore the what we deserve part.
The question is, looking back at your life and who you were and who you are and all that is you, well, what exactly do you deserve?
Also ask yourself, if you decide in a moment of vanity that what you deserve is truely the perfect man, the question becomes: Is that what you really want? Someone Perfect? Are you really looking for a mate or a trophy? you know, someone to brag about or someone to lay down your burdens on his shoulders?
Which is it?
Hey SandMonkey .. had i not known better, I would have thought you were aiming a blow beneath the belt.
It is not a question of what I want or what I need - or even what I deserve ... let me put it this way ... I expect to take exactly what I am willing to give, this is why I find that everything I "demand" in a man is justifiable.
Marwa, what a change in behavior, let me tell you that marriage is an ongoing negotiation that will lead to a lot of compromises and win win situation. you have to ask yourself what are you also willing to give to Mr perfect who is going to accomodate your ifs of today as well as those of tomorrow. hwo much imperfections are you willing to accept because as you approach the green grass on the other side you will notice from a closer perspective how imperfect it is.
Life is full of compromises ther is nothing perfect, but imperfection can be accepted. In life everything has a price to pay there is nothing free and as I heard it several times there is no such thing as a free meal.
good luck
Do you have material on compromise?:) I am sure I missed that day in school.
Imperfections are only spotted through the ruthless lens of the mind .... it takes love to accept them, and this is where I fall short.
Dear Miss Courage in Person,
I do have a small analysis for your problematic interpretation of the other gender,
First: I do not believe there is no single Mr. Right passed around your balcony and threw flowers. From your "if" list, I can say – and forgive my direct approach – you do not clearly know what can make you happy. For me in simple words, if you can keep the capacity surprising him, and if he can keep the capacity impressing you in public & indulging you in private, you are both happy.
Second: if 70 men will fear your talents and charisma, 30 will appreciate it. If 80 will be unable to get through your maze, 20 can easily do it. If 70 men needed a plain girl, 30 are dreaming of your character and can handle it. Go and fish in the deep water to get the Jumbos.
Third: Lower your temper Marwa, lovers' interpretation is not a SWOT analysis. Marriage is not a co-promotion agreement, getting in love is not a launch campaign.
Fourth: You can enjoy a hot loaf of bread, only if you did not hold a pin and paper analyzing the amount of carbohydrates, mineral salts…..etc in it until it is cold and tasteless. Asking why? Who? When? Sometimes is a life saving. But all-time it is a life running technique
Unfortunately I missed that class too, I had to learn it the hardway trial and error.
I agree imperfections are noticed through mind's rationality and through a process of comparison. we always look at somebodies' else dish and wish we had the same as we are looking at our own.
Love will make you ignore the existance of imperfections and accept what you have in your dish.
This applies to both genders.
Hello Eyad,
I am flattered that you make time to read my posts:)
You are so right about everything you said about me and advised me.
I will tell you what I tell my mom and dad ... I will always be me ... impulsive, rebellious, angry, and at times, self destructive.
Funny post - I can totally relate.....as if I would have written it myself!
It's not about getting a man, it's more about getting on with your life and doing what will make you shine and feel free. You've proven yourself, you've been the man, now you want someone else to carry the torch.
Christina, your comment reminded me of a quote I read before:
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." -- Gloria Steinhem
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