Fuck Offff!!!!!!

Who? A man!
Do I know him? No!
Then why?

Today, I got a call from this guy who happens to have a problem and who needed advice. I am usually very tolerant but today it took me a lot of self control not to butcher his life as we spoke. I am serious ... I have not been that enraged in a very ... very .. long time!

He was engaged ... they broke up ... she got engaged ... he cannot believe it ... she is over him .. he cannot move on.

Fine! What's new then?

The details ... I will just summarize the points here - and this is not my opinion of him, this is what he told me:
1) For x number of years, she loved him, took care of him, listened to him, absorbed his anger fits, patched his ego, and forgave all his mistakes ....................... AND HE DID NOTHING BUT RECEIVE HER LOVE AND MAKE HER FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT!

2) He slept with her to make sure she was no longer pure and that she would never leave him

3) He chose her because she would make an ideal wife and mother; she worshipped him, had no previous experience, and does not have any requests

4) Whenever they had a fight, she was the one who put in all the effort to win him back .. even if it was not her fault

One day .... she left ... what does he do?

1) Call her mom and tell her that he does not want to marry her daughter because he loved her; he wants to "fix the mistake" because they were together like man and wife

2) After shocking the mother ... he called the father and told him the same thing

When I asked him why he did that .... he said he wanted to use them as pressure points on the girl and force her to marry him!!!

When that did not work he sent her in writing that she is his and that she will never belong to anyone else .. he threatened to maim her by cutting off her ring finger, her whole arm, or disfiguring her

When her dad called his dad ... he insulted her dad and called him names for the whore-of-a-girl he has

She got engaged a month after they broke up ...

He turned to God .... and promised him to pray, to force her to get veiled, to raise good muslim kids, only if He give him a second chance with her!!!

He came to me because .... he wants her back, cannot trust women any more (after what his pure angel did), and he wants my advice on how to fix it!!

Vomit

Be warned!! This is a very disgusting and sickening post ... if you are not feeling so well, do not read!!!

I pulled the cover over my head yesterday as I tried to hush the voices in my head. I closed my eyes hoping that I would soon drift into peaceful sleep. I began counting the sheep but instead of the white furry creatures I used to see in the green fields, I saw cars. I saw lead vehicles of all shapes and colors crowded on a bridge and I could not count ... they were so many ... they were so random ... they were so ugly ... their poisonous fumes crept under my cover and their honking attacked my peace of mind ... I felt my stomach turning ... I saw his face (coming in another post) and I remembered how he sat there so self conceited ... I remembered his bitten untrimmed yellow nails, the grayish wax in his ears, and the scent of his sweat filling the air as he told me that I lacked femininity.

In a split second I was out of the bed, running to the bathroom, with my hand on my mouth trying to stop the flow of what I tried so hard to push down. I have never vomited that much ... I never knew that vomiting could hurt that bad ... It was allover the place .... It was coming from every hole in my face ... I could not breathe ... I felt the motion of the car .... I vomited more ... I heard his hiss of a voice ... I vomited more ... I remembered some work emails ... I vomited more ... I remembered my mom and her anger ... I vomited more ... I remembered my dad and my anger at him ... I vomited more .... I was about to faint.

Then it stopped ...

I thought of my new home .. I tried to smile ... the vomiting started again ... I thought of the painter, the carpenter, the plumber, and the mess they left behind ... I looked at the mess I created ... I vomited more .... My cats were at the door looking at what they have never seen me do before ... I tried to cry ... the vomiting started again ... I could no longer stand ... I could no longer sit .... I threw myself in the tub ... let the water flow ... remembered the cockroach (previous post) and finally smiled.

Relationship Warning: Do not get involved with Egyptian Men!

Because of the nature of my work in the tourism sector, I am used to hearing that this or that country has issued a travel warning to its citizens who plan on traveling to Egypt, especially in the aftermath of an attack. Naturally, most warnings address safety and security issues, and some warnings dedicate a section or two to hygiene and harassment. Lately, and because of the increasing number of divorces, custody issues, and domestic violence cases, some countries warn their women from Egyptian men. Yes, they tell them clearly not to get emotionally involved or legally committed to an Egyptian man!

I did not just make that up. I got it first hand from a European woman who is living in Egypt, was married to an Egyptian man, has a son, and is currently divorced. “He swept me off my feet with his sweet words, compliments, attentive gestures, romance, and warmth; he was a god compared to European men, who are often distant, reserved, and not very emotional. I fell in love with him like never before. Bit by bit, I began opening up too and, against my better judgment, I gave up all my defenses. In three months, he asked me to marry him, and in my culture this is a very serious step. I translated his proposal as the epitome of love and I gladly accepted.”

I listened to Sandy and I knew exactly how she felt when she first met “her hero”. I know how it feels to jump in a jar of honey thinking of how sweet it would taste and how rich and overwhelming it would feel, only to get your hair tangled in its stickiness and eventually you drown in its suffocating viscosity. I asked Sandy to continue narrating her experience and she told me that his family was against the marriage; “they told him that I was loose and that he should get married to a virgin. They warned him that I would corrupt his children and reminded him that I was from a different religion. His mother hated how I dressed no matter how modest. All my attempts at communication failed but I was heads over heels in love with him to read the warning signs. He assured me that he loved me and that he was not willing to give up his soul mate.”

Her eyes welled as she told me her story. I tried to be as empathetic as possible but I was growing angrier by the minute. I naturally assumed that her guy was a lowlife Egyptian male parasite who wanted a way out of the country or easy sex. Because un-Egyptian women are not as class conscious, they miss out on all the “low-class” signals that his body language, address, grooming, verbiage, phonetics, and interests give away. I was wrong! “He is an AUC graduate and the descendant of one of the biggest families in Egypt. He had the looks, the manners, the class, the charm, and the money. He was so open-minded and understanding – I have never met anyone who was as perfect.” Sandy corrected me.

I was more than curious to know what could go wrong with such a compatible intercultural union. “We got married amongst his friends. His family did not attend but this was natural in my country; we were two responsible adults and we were in charge of our life-altering decisions. After marriage, he began changing; suddenly he had hurtful comments about my wardrobe, more hurtful comments about my public demeanor, and … he hit me! He told me that he loved me but suddenly his love began suffocating me. I realized that I got married to a very jealous possessive insecure spoilt violent person!”
Again I identified with every word she said. I KNOW our men! I asked Sandy about the frequency and the intensity of the jealousy fits and the violence attacks and she told me that it became on daily basis; “the tender loving caring man that I fell in love with disappeared. I was stuck with a person who mastered ignoring me, and when he looked at me, he told me that I was ugly and needed plastic surgery.” With her long golden locks tied back in a ponytail, Sandy was looking at me with deep blue eyes that rested on pink cheeks. She was flawless pretty! But I am fully aware of the self-esteem blows that our men know how to perfectly aim.

After a year of suffering and utter misery, Sandy got a divorce … and a son! A single foreign mother in Egypt could be quiet traumatizing. I asked her why she did not go back to her country; she told me that her Egyptian god threatened to take away her son. To add a more dramatic denouement to this repetitive farce, Sandy told me that after their divorce, he got married to a veiled Egyptian girl and that he stopped sending her alimony. This was when she went to the embassy and that was when they told her “we told you so!”

Just writing about this topic clogs my arteries; seriously, I cannot breathe! Sandy and her story is the trigger behind this article but I have witnessed many other stories that started with “he was so sweet” and ended in “he hit me” or “he walked out on me” or “I hate Egyptian men”. Even the girls who were spared the marriage disaster still enjoyed a rough ride on the dating arena. Sandy told me that her countrymen could still bully their women and that they were far from perfect, but at least they were honest, straightforward, and took marriage seriously. Like many Egyptian girls, she felt that he cheated his way into her heart and that he tricked her into loving him. It was ironic though, how Sandy thought that Egyptian women were best equipped to deal with their men.

The Beauty & The Geek

If the producers of The Beauty and The Geek wanted to torture someone who thinks of herself as a beauty by having her date any of those plain geeks on the show, then I would have made an excellent candidate. I am quite certain that those girls do not care about the geeks; they are in it for the money or the fame. I am also positive that they do not continue to date them once the cameras are off. With a pat on the head and a kiss on the cheek they send them off with their goddess-like smiles. Bottom line, the geeks are nice but they are not dating material! I cannot date Winnie the Pooh!

On her show, Ricki Lake invited some girls who were “single by choice” and asked them about their physical requirements in a man. They all seemed to judge a book by its cover and have lost plenty of good guys to a fixation on physical attractiveness. Ricki told them that she had what they were looking for but the name of the game is a blindfolded date dare; the girls will go on a literally blind date! I admit that my eyes have always deceived me into choosing the jerk over the geek but what am I supposed to do? Keep the blindfold on to maintain the chemistry?

So what is it that attracts me to, or repels me from, a man? I tossed away the character nonsense, the vision and mission clichés, and, by digging deeper into the layers of my Freudian heaven of a psyche, I narrowed it down to attractiveness! Yes! The attractiveness of a man is directly proportionate to my being attracted to him. Through extensive research Dallas Barabasz-Lynn has been able to discern the inner structure of attraction. The Ladder Theory claimed that 50% of a woman’s attraction to a man depends on physical attraction, 20% on competition, 20% on novelty, and 10% on other things. Power and money were categorized separately; the amount of money, and the degree of power, required to get a woman’s attention change according to her age. At the age of 16 a gift and a love note would have done the trick. As of the age of 25, a woman’s definition of the richest and the most powerful man changes with her exposure and demands.

In all my happy articles and sweet dreams I envisioned myself with the tall dark and handsome prince; the captivating gaze, the broad shoulders, the flawless smile, the husky voice, and hard in the right places - muscular that is. I have a soft spot for long soft hair, breath-freshener, clean laundry, and perfume. I also spot check nails and hands for cleanliness. Jerks who met these criteria made a doormat out of the little princess’s heart – yours truly!

Good guys who, in my eyes, had a weight or a shape issue were discarded immediately. Those who looked anything less than perfect were tormented to fit a mold that damaged me more than it hurt them. Those who were eager to please, I labeled as geeks, and those who accepted my inner or outer deformities, I crucified on the basis of their own scars and frailties.

The Ladder Theory pointed out how gals like me are attracted to competition; by competition, Lynn meant disinterest. The attractiveness of a man is by far stronger if he has other interests in life than making us happy. We are more tempted to pursue those who run away from us. “Ultimately, almost all guys learn this truth: The best way to never score with a woman is to show too much interest in her.” says Lynn.

What about novelty? Who wants an ordinary guy with a normal life and a normal job? – boring … yuckkkkkk! “Something different is more attractive. Like someone who does not have to work like most people because they have lots of money” says Lynn. I will add to that a few disorders that spice up the appeal of novelty: workaholic, alcoholic, manic depressive, obsessive compulsive, hypochondriac, malingerer, and chronic liar – yes, I have seen it all!

Moral of the story, if you are attractive, rich, powerful, novel, and show no interest in her, she is almost guaranteed to want to get intimate with you. Bonus points for destroying her self esteem, flirting with her friends, cheating on her, and being always late, forgetful, noncommittal, manipulative, and controlling – Isn’t this the definition of the Alfa male? Isn’t that the man who had the lion’s share of my verbal, visual, and written curses?

“So Beauty, why complain now of being painfully single, when you detest the jerks you have created and reject the geeks you have attracted?” – asked the voice of reason that I so often silence!

Egypt: The People vs The Country

Do people make the country? Or, does the country make the people?
I - a very proud Egyptian - have seen a lot of the country and enough of the people and here are my thoughts:

• If the people do not have manners; the country is rude.
• If the people spit in the street; the country is disgusting.
• If the people do not shower; the country stinks.
• If the people touch their privates in the street; the country is perverted.
• If the people throw garbage in the street; the country is dirty.
• If the people do not brush their teeth; the country is full of yellow/brown smiles.
• If the people have a loud pitch; the country sounds like a hen den.
• If the people are frustrated; the country is reputed for harassment.
• If the people do not stop at red lights; the country is always congested.
• If the people do not drive safely; the country has a high accident rate.
• If the people do not fix their cars; the country is hazed out with pollution.
• If the people do not put road-signs; the country is a maze.
• If the people do not know how to drive; the country has the worst roads.
• If the people abhor rules; the country is in chaos.
• If the people do not respect schooling; the country is illiterate.
• If the people do not like to read; the country is ignorant.
• If the people insist on talking bad English; the country stutters.
• If the people do not keep their promise; the country is never taken seriously.
• If the people lie; the country is known for liars.
• If the people cheat; the country is known for fraud.
• If the people are dishonest; the country has no answers.
• If the people are not tolerant; the country is intolerable.
• If the people do not practice what they preach; the country is double-faced.
• If the people envy one another; the country is sick with jaundice.
• If the people step on one another’s toes; the country is full of swollen toes.
• If the people stab each other in the back; the country is sore with deadly wounds.
• If the people are lazy; the country is stagnant.
• If the people are artificial; the country is a disgrace.
• If the people are stoned; the country is numb.
• If the people are confused; the country loses direction.
• If the people do not know the truth; the country is misled.
• If the people are poor; the country is naked.
• If the people have no dreams; the country is dead.
• If the people do not have a present; the country will not have a future.
• If the people do not think of the future; the country will live in the past.
• If the people do not change themselves; the country will not change them.
• If I could get rid of such people; I might save the country.
• I just hate the people; but I am in love with the country.

Until Death do us Part

Until Death Do Us Part

(Shuffle)

Another Stupid Adult

“I love you; I know how to make you happy; I am so strong; I will make you faint on our wedding night!” He said with pride to his future bride – yours truly – 12 years ago. I cannot deny that there are times when I wonder how my life would have differed had I not called off my wedding. If I woke up on the right side of the bed, my thoughts took me to a cozy house with a loving husband and lovely kids; but if it was one of my countless bad hair days, I envisioned a miserable wife in a boring marriage with teary-eyed kids, and suffering sleepless nights contemplating a flawless murder. I am certain that had I married the guy who used to exercise his “stick”, or the guy who wanted to deliver his own babies, or the alcoholic, or the neurotic, or the psychotic, or the caveman, or any other guy, I would have been divorced. I do not think I would have made it past the first month, let alone the first year. I was miraculously saved but not everyone was as lucky; some were even as unlucky as ending their marriage months after it started.

What fed their dreams to the shredder? What turned their vows into curses? To love but not to hold? For the better but not for the worst? For the richer because no one wants the poorer? In health but never in sickness? What would make a young bride runaway from the love nest? What would make prince charming flee on his not-so-white horse? Was it a bad choice? Was it that marriage put an end to the dating farce? Is it the lies? Is it the false pretences? Could it be expectations? Could their premature divorce be the only natural outcome of the marriage of a couple who were incubated in a schizophrenic society? Am I being too pessimistic? Am I being too realistic? To get my answers I had to ask the men and women in question. I wanted neither the staged sugar-coated replies nor the decent socially smart conclusions; I wanted the ugly shocking truth – the kind of truth that neither feared exposure nor knew any inhibitions. I created a male account on an adult site to lure the girls and a female account to entrap the guys. I searched for divorced men and women between the age of 21 and 30. I got my answers … and more.

Sara is 25, she got married when she was 21 to the man she loved since she was 16. She is on that site looking for a man who could love her and give her the warmth that her marriage was deprived of. She cannot take off her veil because of her family; she cannot get a divorce because she does not want to move in again with her parents. But deep down, she feels divorced and acts accordingly. Mohamed (28), her husband, is addicted to adult dating sites, and he is on that same site chasing women and doting on them, while she is withering at home alone - or in the arms of someone else. She has been demoted from wife to roommate, and he does not want to have kids. Mohamed’s pictures with his “girlfriends”, his chats, and his mementos are right under her nose – he does not care enough to wipe his traces. “Sara owes me”, he revealed to my male alias; he married her knowing that she was not a virgin. He believes that his actions are righteous and justified, and that she should be grateful that he saved her, and her family, from shame. “I will get a divorce eventually … I am so unhappy” said Sara and Mohamed not knowing that I was talking to both of them.

Mostafa (29) is another story; he fell in love with Menna (24) and after a dating period of one year, they got married with the blessings of both families. The marriage lasted for one problem-filled year, and finally they got a divorce. Mostafa is looking for sex. He wants to prove that the divorce was not his fault; he keeps saying that he is good in bed and is very desirable but his wife was distant and frigid. He wrote countless lines describing how passionate he is and how he knows and understands exactly what women need. Mostafa has watched plenty of xx rated movies and he wanted to re-enact each and every scene with his wife only to be faced with her shocked eyes and expressionless face. When he noticed that I was reserved, he snapped at me saying “I do not need another inexpressive b****.” Zeina (23) enjoyed talking to my female alias; she was the one doing the hunting. Her marriage lasted for three months. One night, she got a call from a hospital telling her that her husband has been in an accident. Being the dutiful wife she was, she hurried to the hospital only to be told that her husband was involved in a homosexual “gathering” that obviously went sour – they beat him up, raped him, and threw him in the street. Zeina does not want to get married again.

Khaled (30) and Mona (25) had an arranged marriage. Khaled had drinking problems and a very unstable career. He had tantrums and Magda’s face and body paid for his insecurity. He used to cry and she used to forgive him. The frequency of the frenzies increased and she could not take it anymore; hence, the divorce. Magda does not want to meet anyone; she is just looking for venting space. Karim (23) is living in a dreamy bubble of his own. He got married right after he graduated to his college sweetheart. He wanted to love her forever. He loved her hair, her sweet voice, her shy gaze, and how she understood him well. After their marriage one shock followed the other; her body hair, her morning breath, her horrible cooking, her hair in the bathtub, her monthly pads in the waste bin, her watching TV all night, and many other little things that he never imagined in his sugar babe. Karim used to believe in love, now he believes in co-habilitation before marriage – even if it was just short trips.

Mira (25) has a two-year old girl from a horrible marriage. He was 20 years older and was extremely jealous; his fits erupted whenever he caught a man looking at her. Mira told me that she had to quit work. She avoided unmarried female friends and all male friends. She was afraid to greet a relative she ran into in the street and, by time, everyone avoided her too. On the other hand, Salem had plenty of affairs and he used to brag about them all the time and Mira had to either pretend that she was deaf or that she knew he was joking. “My daughter is a blessing but Salem threatened to take her if I got married … I need a man and if I cannot get a husband then so be it.” Jina (26) got divorced two years after her marriage because of her mother in law; “the woman had no clue what privacy meant. She had a key to our house and used it at anytime. She asked about what we ate, where we went, and how many times we did it. My ex was not man enough to protect our marriage from such an invasion. I have no regrets other than marrying him in the first place.”

Sally (22) was the victim of a sadist; “he used to whip me when I was late, burn me when I asked questions, sodomize me in return for money, and stick a needle in sensitive parts of my body for every mistake he said I made. He told me that this was because he loved me and he wanted me to be a better person. I used to cry a lot and I was so embarrassed; I could not tell anyone what was happening behind our closed doors.” Sally submitted to his sick needs and desires for six months until, one day she fainted in the street and the passer-bys took her to the hospital. There the doctors were horrified and they called her husband and her family. She got her divorce on that same day. Sally told me that she never knew the man she got married to and that she found herself in a house with a total stranger who used her and abused her in the name of love. Her mother told her on her wedding night that a respectful wife obeyed her husband and kept him satisfied – otherwise he would leave her. Sally blamed her family for her disaster of a marriage; “they over-sheltered me to protect me but it was their ways that made me an appealing prey for such a sick man. I learned the hard way and I am now gaining my own experiences. I am not thinking of marriage; I just want to explore the world.”

The men and women who shared with me their sob stories are victims of our society. The double standards that they are brought up to adopt create what we call in business, an execution gap. There is a big void between where we really are and where we want to be; what we want and what we have; how we feel and how we act. We drown in an abyss of deluding illusions, unrealistic expectations, fake emotions, consuming demands, and the inevitable frustration. We get married for the wrong reasons; we mistake lust for love and confuse stability with stagnation. Mothers are over protective as though they want to suck us back into their wombs. Fathers discriminate between their sons and daughters. Women do not practice what they preach; they sing to the deaf ears of their male counterparts. Men do not meet the promises they make; they play to the sensitive tunes of the female vulnerability. Traditions, manners, taboos, and religion mix in one melting pot that defines stereotyped outlines for our ideal character and our perfect mate. We are dictated the answers to all the quizzes but we are left to face the final tests alone – we fail with flying colors.

100 “GOOD GIRL” TIPS - Marketing Analogy

Your vision:
To be perceived as a good girl at all times.

Your mission:
To bend over backwards to please others.

Your positioning statement:
The Ultimate Denying Experience (apologies to BMW)

Your target audience:
Vain ladies and gentlemen.

Your objectives:
Trial and, hopefully, purchase.

Your Marketing Mix:
Product: You
Price: Your Life
Place: "Good girl" outlets though "good girl" distribution channels
Promotion:
1) Advertising - Personal ads & word of mouth
2) Public Relations - Favorable speeches & crisis management strategies
3) Sales Promotion - Limited edition (until putting on a ring on the naked left finger)
4) Direct Marketing - Cute emails & regular SMSes to all eligible bachelors and mothers of potential bachelors
5) Personal Selling - Promote your cooking, sewing, budgeting, and loving competive advantages in all outings

Alf alf mabrouk (Congrats!)

Tic Toc … It’s the Biological Clock! - Conclusion

Audrey Hepburn shared with women her age-defying beauty tips saying “For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find them at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others. The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives and the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.” Having spoken my mind, the single girls were silent and pensive, and the single guys were silent and attentive – I rested my case and my soup was cold.

Tic Toc … It’s the Biological Clock! - PART 5

The single 33, 34, 36, and 40 year old girls began telling their tales of rejection that basically rotated on the fact that he, or his mother, thought they were too old to have kids. They talked about the inquisitive eyes, questioning looks, the muttering, the murmuring, the whispering, and the curled lips that stalk them in weddings, parties, gatherings, and outings. Society and family deny them the right to choose and to refuse because they are “too old”. They struggle with their self-esteem and self-fulfillment, and are torn apart between their hormones, nesting phases, and settling down urges - we ladies suffer! I barged in again lending my fellow single females a supporting hand. I played my favorite Libra game; single and happy or married and miserable? Single gal or single mom? No man or wrong man? No kids or wrong kids? I hit a bull’s eye when I mentioned the possibility of adoption; if your maternal instinct is nagging non stop and Mr. Right took a wrong turn on his way to you, nonetheless, you can still be a mother. Options start from nephews and nieces, cats and dogs, to sponsored orphans and live in orphans. Motherhood is not about getting pregnant and giving birth; motherhood is all about nurturing and caring – be it a warm hug, a sound advice, a shoulder to cry on, or a comforting smile.

Tic Toc … It’s the Biological Clock! - PART 4

The first dart hit the guy who was bragging about his ability to have kids at any age as I faced him with the sad truth; yes, he could have a kid at the age of 45 but he will never give him the fun that a 25 year old young dad can give him. He will feel old, look old, act old, and be old. The second dart targeted married men; I asked each of the wives to make a wish – 5 traits that they would like to be passed on from their husband to their son or daughter. After the initial humming, came a silence, some gap fillers, and then a few incoherent words that just reflected how these women are not convinced of the men they chose. The men looked offended but that was no excuse for me to spare them; it was their turn to tell me the 5 qualities that they wished the wives had said. Their masculine faces looked dignified and proud as they waved the flags of responsibility, generosity, sensibility, and the like. I watched as the male and female eyes met; the men threatened and the women recoiled - The men looked victorious, the women looked revolted, and I could not touch my soup.

THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH A MOTHER’S GOOD INTENTIONS

Being the daughter of an insectologist, I grew up playing with butterflies, examining mosquitoes, and studying the morphology of unheard of flies under the microscope. One day my father got me a silk worm - as a pet. With lots of love, I watched my worm transform into a cocoon and I waited for the colorful butterfly to come out of its silk hiding. I woke up one morning to find a small opening in my cocoon. I watched the butterfly for several hours trying to get out of the hole, then I decided to help her; I proudly, yet lovingly, snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon with a pair of scissors. The butterfly then emerged easily but something was wrong with my pet; it had a swollen body and small wings. I waited for the moment when her wings would expand and she would fly. Neither happened! My baby pet spent the rest of her life crawling. My dad then explained to me that the butterfly’s struggle to get through the tiny opening was nature's way of forcing fluid from her body into her wings so that it would be ready for flying once it was free from the restricted cocoon.

Today as I watch many of the young men and women that I come across at work or in my classes and workshops, the image of my poor pet comes back to mind. I flossed my brains trying to find out the mental connection between the two until it hit me one day; in their attempt to protect their kids, our mothers crippled them. “We want a revision” howled a 28 year old marketing student in my class, but I see the pattern of the ready-made-easy-to-cook attitude everywhere. Like my butterfly, they face the world with shriveled wings, limp bodies, porous bones, and hollow heads. They are neither equipped to deal with the heavy blows of fate nor the daily challenges of life. They have no sense of direction and a vague reason for existence. Following the “use it or lose it” rule of thumb, if they are not used, muscles turn to flab, brains turn to mush, and determination turns to lethargy. I loved my pet so much that I wanted to ease her way out of the cocoon but instead, I maimed her for life. According to Darwin, I turned what could have been powerful wings into a vestigial structure – like our degenerate tail bone and wisdom teeth. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life; if nature allowed us to go through life without any obstacles, it would cripple us.

When I moved out five years ago, my mother thought that I did not love her anymore; today she is still wondering what she did wrong to push me away, or what she did wrong to deserve a daughter like me. When my brother graduated she got him a job, when he wanted a car she gave him hers, and when he wanted to get married she got him a bride, a house, a wedding, and more. There were times when I felt that the boy wanted to be a man but with her over protectiveness she stifled all his attempts to grow up. My mom is no exception; like many mothers, she believes that it is her role to take care of her baby until – well, until forever! One day I questioned her and she said “After I am gone, I want him to remember how I loved him and how much I helped him. I wish I could spoon feed him all my experience to spare him pain and unnecessary frustration.” Then she looked at me with a smile and said “You are tougher by nature; I wish you were not so tough. Come let me braid your hair.”

Magda Abdel Wahab (55) has a soft spot for babies. “Their little hands and feet are just irresistible.” With Mohamed, her eldest son, Magda had a long list of forbidden fruits that covered visitation rules, playing hours, friends allow list, and places block list. “I wanted to keep an eye on him all the time; no matter how much he grew up, in my eyes he will always have little hands and little feet.” At the age of 42, Magda had Omar. “I loved to be a mother again but I was not getting any younger. I suddenly realized that my ways were not fault-free. I will not live forever and I needed to equip Omar with the tools that will see him through all the walks of life.” The forbidden fruits fell off the tree and a change of strategy was needed. “I would walk him to the arcades a few times, show him the signs on the way and back, explain the rules about strangers, and then I would let him go on his own. Every time he is out of my sight I feel my ribs closing on my heart and my worst nightmares turn into ominous deja-vues. I would only breathe again the moment he walks though the door and throws his little hands in mine as he tells me about the fun he had.”

On asking Jailan Gamil (35) about the 8 simple rules for dating her teenage daughter, she said “I teach my daughter, Sandra, the difference between right and wrong and I remind her that even when I am not there, God sees her all the time and that she should not upset Him. I spot check her online chats, her room, and her phone – I am just scared. I want to keep her safe from the crazy world out there. Dating is not a welcomed option.” Dalia El Rashidy (40) knows that her 15 year old Lara is no longer a little girl. “She grew up all of a sudden. Watching her adjust her belly ring, curl her hair, put on lip gloss, and wear perfume made me realize that I have to become more of a friend than a mother; she has to come to me with her stories and I have to show empathy while helping her straighten-up. I worry about her but I have to give her space to grow up.” Hoda Shafik (54) has three fine gentlemen. “I never worried about the girls they dated as long as they never married them. My boys are strong; they know how to discipline their women they never show their weakness. Men were created to rule and to be obeyed; that’s how I was brought up and that’s how I raised them.”

Claudia Venturini (39), living in Cairo, originally from Luxembourg, has an Italian father, a Belgian husband, and two daughters, has a very different way of thinking; “When it comes to kids, I believe that you have them as you make them; you sow what you reap. If I sow the seeds of inexperience, I will reap the fruits of disappointment. I make sure to let my girls, 7 and 4, choose, make mistakes, fall, get their hands dirty, and find their own answers. Over-sheltering them would be like killing their immune system.” On the issue of dating, Claudia said “Alex and I worry a lot about who the girls will bring home; being European does not make us loose, on the contrary, we are quite conservative. Just like Egyptians, we do not want our girls to get hurt or to end up with the wrong man. We just do it differently; we are always there to guide them and to give advice but we allow them to grow through their own experiences.”

I had to ask Claudia about her opinion on the discrimination between the way boys and girls are raised up in the Middle East, she honestly disapproved saying “those young boys and girls are the nucleus of society and if I corrupt the nucleus, I corrupt the society. I have lived in Egypt for the past 5 years and I have no plans of leaving soon, which raises the chances of my girls dating Egyptians. My girls were never bossed around and they will never allow anyone to do it. Federica and Alexia were brought up to express their thoughts and views, no matter who disagreed, as long as they abided by the basic courtesy codes. They are independent and strong from within. I wish the girls in this part of the world realized their potential and acted upon it; being a woman does not mean being submissive and needy. I also wish that the men would learn the essence of manhood; being a man does not mean being self-centered and disrespectful. I believe that mothers spoil the boys and oppress the girls and this destroys the chances of having a well-balanced family and a healthy productive society.” In three words Claudia summed the core of a man in being “respectful, responsible, and honest.” whereas, a woman is “graceful, intelligent, and powerful.”

The Heart of the Affair

Wrapped up in her beautiful Indian Sari, Maya looked at the Kama Sutra teacher and asked about the difference between shame and honor as tears rolled down her cheek. The experienced courtesan looked back at her, smiled, and told her that shame and honor are the two faces of the same coin. With Maya’s ears I listened to the story of a king who had to go to war; on the night of the king’s departure, his wife washed his feet in a water basin. With this water, she washed her face everyday the king was at war. The night the king returned he went directly to Rasa, the courtesan. The queen was humiliated in the name of honor, the courtesan was honored in the name of shame, Maya was hurt in the name of revenge, and I am lost in the name of love!

Because of my tendency to be self-sufficient and independent, my best friend once told me that I am the ideal material for a mistress or a second wife. I laughed at her ten years ago but today, her words came back to me as I threw myself in the heart of an affair and I am now wallowing in shame. In an attempt to sort out my personal mess, I found out that “Shame is a reaction to other people's criticism, an acute personal chagrin at our failure to live up to our obligations and the expectations others have of us. In true shame-­oriented cultures, every person has a place and a duty in the society. One maintains self-respect, not by choosing what is good rather than what is evil, but by choosing what is expected of one. Personal desires are sunk in the collective expectation. (Shame is) the primary device for gaining control over children and maintaining control over adults.” Wrote Paul G. Hiebert in his Anthropological Insights for Missionaries.

Apart from social expectations and cultural norms, there was nothing deep down in the core of my character to stop me from being with a man who had someone else – a girlfriend not a wife! As long as we were kept in separate lanes and led separate lives, a self delusional version of myself did not see a problem with a man who has two girlfriends. I knew that I was possessive and that I hated sharing but I hushed the competitive female instinct with promises that I would win. As a “Taekwondo” player, I was taught how to defend “my property” mentally and physically. The fighter in me fantasized about the knockout that will kick her non-Egyptian face out of the combat arena. The spirit of a vicious tigress possessed me and, in my head, I tore my rival to pieces with my fangs and claws.

Away from right and wrong, I enjoyed being the one he longed to be with; I was the desired fantasy and she was the plain reality; she was what pushed him away and I was what pulled him closer; I lured him with fiction and she trapped him in facts; with me he flew and in her world he crashed; my world was colored in shades of pink and scented with aromas from the orient, while her world was made of sharp lines and clear cut details. I entertained him with my endless stories, my well defined aliases flew him from one cloud to the other, and I felt him aching for me. I loved being a fantasy until reality hit me in the face.

Reality felt jealous, tasted bitter, looked ugly, smelled rotten, and sounded like the screeching of chalk on a board. Paralyzed for a moment with a sharp yet brief pain, I faced him with one long gaze and decided to end my flight. I pushed one pause button after the other until I no longer felt his presence. I was in my cockpit alone looking at a distant runway. There was no air traffic controller at the other end of my pilot's headset, I was on my own in the mess that I dragged myself into. I feared steering my plane into another unrecoverable nosedive. I did not want another crash. As my heartbeats and the pace of my thoughts slowed down, I put my wheels down, lined up my plane, and kept my wings straight. I smoothly touched down and my brakes kicked in automatically as I hit solid ground.

As I got off the plane, I felt like a hero that saved many lives from a horrible inevitable crash; no casualties, no injuries, and little loss to remember. I sighed as I was welcomed back on earth by many of my friends who told me that in our age we are only left with five options when it comes to men; married and hunting, divorced and messed up, widowed and mourning, single and traumatized, or single and much younger. I am the master of the options game and I just do not like the menu of men they are offering me. I also did not like my short-haul flight. I felt like a smuggled bag of worthless scrap that could be dumped at the sight of the farthest raid.

Moral of the story: do as you would be done by, all that live must surely die and all that meet will surely part, what goes around comes around, he who diggeth a pit shall fall therein, and he that rolleth a stone, it will return upon him. I was like a monkey trying to snatch the moon’s reflection on the water; I risked drowning, did not reach the moon, and paved the way to frustration. I ridded myself of the shackles of shame that weighed on my consciousness as I reminded myself that I was not created to meet expectations of others. Shame and guilt are socially inflicted negative feelings. This is the price tag of growing up; this is the definition of experience. I smiled as the details of my flight crossed my mind and I made up my mind – next time, I will be a fantasy with no reality to compete with.

A WOMAN WITHOUT HER MAN IS NOTHING

I wanted to put on a gown of rose petals and share with you pink dreams on scented paper; but instead of the sweet Valentine’s Day feature I had in mind, I was driven by painful anger to defend women from the blows of Dr. Nick Neave who dropped a bomb in my backyard when he announced that “women in the 21st century may boast that they are truly independent for the first time in our social history. They may tell themselves and each other that they don't need a man. They can even start a family on their own thanks to IVF techniques. But, while feminists may argue (that) this proves women have finally kicked off the shackles of dependence on men, I'm afraid they're wrong.” Walid Anwar, sales and marketing expert agrees saying that “women will always be women no matter what they achieve under the name of their so-called independence. Deep down inside each woman, she needs a man to lean on and support her. No woman wants to be totally a male figure - it is just against nature.”

The evolutionary psychologist is convinced that women “are programmed to worry their men are going to abandon them … women may be richer and enjoy all the trappings of success but, deep down in their psyche, they fear they can't survive alone … they fear a drop in status or social standing that might come with divorce … women are more inclined to forgive an affair than a man … not because they're nicer, more easygoing individuals. It's simply because their primeval urge to hang onto a male provider is so strong … the thought of your husband having sex with another woman may be devastating. But even worse is the prospect of him pouring all his financial resources her way.” Tamer El Meehy, managing director of Entrust: Development & Management Consultants acknowledges the existence “of a deeply embedded sense of insecurity in women that is often reflected in a high level of possessiveness; many women are richer than their men, and are in fact providing for the family, but they still have the same insecurity.”

Reading the doctor’s words triggered my resentment for Walt Disney, who fed us many a time lies about a long awaited prince charming who fights the monsters to free the little helpless princess from evil spells. He promised living happily ever after yet overlooked the affairs, breakups, make-ups, struggles, boredom, and challenges that rock, or wreck, many boats. Hallmark is next on my hit list; because of their cute cards, creative gifts, and heart warming poetry, we have to celebrate Valentine’s Day and unlucky tomboys, like my humble self, never get to send or receive any of their product lines. It is as though being brought up, and living, in a conservative Middle Eastern society is not enough to get us, Arab ladies, into frequent intellectual fist fights with cavemen who come our way, the good doctor had to add fuel to our living hell with his conclusions.

On the one hand, Rania Hegazy, TV producer wonders if “earth will be a better place to live on were there no men.” On the other hand, the relationship between men and women in our society reminds Nancy El Maghrabi, managing director of Markstri of “the Cold War between the USA and the Soviet Union, at the time. It is an eternal power struggle.” Moreover, Shahinaz Ahmed, education/training specialist sees the male-female communication process as “a series of catastrophic collisions of ill-defined needs that we like to believe are the same.” And Dalia El Rashidy, partner at Logic Management Consulting says that our women are trapped with their men in a “mother-child relationship where the mother has to be understanding and accommodating all the time without the child ever trying to reciprocate. The sad truth is: this particular child never grows up.”

The article goes on: “In prehistoric times, women … needed the support and protection of men who didn't just have brute force but also had social status in the group, either through their sheer physicality or the strength of their personality … modern surveys consistently show that women today ape those inherent characteristics by looking for partners who are socially dominant and have the respect of their peers.” Did I get this right? Did the evolutionist refer to women as limp creepy social parasites who need to climb up a strong male trunk and suck the living sap out of him to survive? Will we wither and die if we are separated from our socially acceptable host? In short, we prefer being tied to a stake and stoned to death to getting out of a bad relationship, or marriage. Khaled El Dessouky, business development manager for Hitachi Egypt disagrees with Dr. Neave; “I tend to think that men and women are equally, yet differently strong. Their bonding becomes a win-win game only when they master their strengths; for example, when men throw the power card, women should use their tenderness weapon.”

Dr. Neave shared with us another study by unnamed sociologists at Virginia University: “women who worked were more dissatisfied with their husbands than those who stayed at home (and) a survey by the Skipton Building Society concluded that many women who are the main breadwinner hold it against their partner for contributing less to the household budget than they do … happiest of all were women whose husbands brought in at least two-thirds of the household income … in short I suspect women will never feel truly comfortable earning more than their men. The need to rely on a man is driven by such a deep-seated biological urge.” How bad could this article get? I am used to Middle Eastern men wanting to turn back time using religion or pleading protectiveness, but Dr. Neave threw the ball high up and it fell on the grounds of our biology – who could argue against that?!

“Women need to look up to their man and independent women who have an established career need a man who delivers an added value. Compatibility has a final say when it comes to who is putting how much where and for how long,” refuted Amany Souka, managing director of El Wekala Advertising. “A male partner who earns less is prone to insecurity attacks and minority complexes that would drive him to having affairs to prove his masculine caveman strength.” she added. Hence, the women in the doctor’s research have developed a severe case of low self-esteem that could be traced back to a mentally and emotionally abusive partner – who earns less money. Dr. Rafik Nakhla, director of personnel at the library of Alexandria and business instructor at SAE focuses on the bigger picture saying: “men and women are not rivals; they are partners for life where the return on investment comes in the form of mentally and emotionally healthy children; the future of the children depends on the quality of the partnership.”

It all comes back to maturity; women who are dependent on men are like fungal infections whose symptoms are reddened teary eyes, blistered ego, itchy heart, and overall burning sensations, and men who are dependent on their women are pathetically, yet disgustingly, sick. Dr. Steven Covey divides maturity into three phases; “dependence is the paradigm of you - you take care of me; you come through for me; you didn't come through; I blame you for the results. Independence is the paradigm of I - I can do it; I am responsible; I am self-reliant; I can choose. Interdependence is the paradigm of we - we can do it; we can cooperate; we can combine our talents and abilities and create something greater together.” Monir El Shazly, strategy consultant and freelance photographer summed it up saying that “If their relationship will not make both of them better, it will make both of them a lot worse off.”

Instead of a male-bashing book, Daylle Deanna Schwartz’s All Men are jerks – Until Proven Otherwise helps us realize that we create the jerks that we later complain about by allowing them to get away with unacceptable behavior in an effort to please them – the kind of behavior that Dr. Neave applauded earlier on in his theory. Daylle believes that if we can get to a place where we can see a man as a sweet addition to our life, as opposed to a necessity, our relationship becomes a win/win situation: we win if we have a satisfying relationship with a man - we win if we have to leave a jerk because we have a satisfying life either way. Hesham El Zeini, recruitment consultant agrees and believes that balanced and successful relations are “a never ending process of strategic negotiation where enough space must be given for compromises.”

Before Dr. Nick Neave rested his case, he came up with a joke of a conclusion: “while women may claim they are having cosmetic surgery and Botox treatments purely to feel better about themselves, I believe the reason is much more complex. Women are driven by a primeval urge to keep their men by looking youthful and fertile.” Now I am beyond livid and totally speechless. A woman, without her, man is nothing!

“You should never look for someone to complete you.
A relationship consists of two whole individuals.
Look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.”
Oprah Winfrey

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